Doubts
by Egwene
Summary: James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Doubts 1/9

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

A/N: I had this idea when I was coerced into writing a fluff drabble by Prongs. I had to write it. Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta!

* * *

Chapter 1: Where it's a good idea to tell the truth the first time around

James came home early from the Ministry of Magic where he worked in hopes of spending a nice evening with his boyfriend.

They had left Hogwarts a few months earlier, and James had moved in with Sirius into the apartment he had bought with Uncle Alphard's money. James had never met Sirius' uncle but he figured he had to have been a pretty decent guy, and he was grateful they could have their own apartment.

Life would not have been the same if they'd had to live with James' parents. No doubt his parents were nice, but there were aspects of his relationship with Sirius which they were not too comfortable with.

He chucked as he remembered the first time his parents had walked in on them during the summer. They had been both naked in James' bed, James on top of Sirius, kissing him all over when his mother had opened the door with a plate of cookies, asking them if they wanted any. She had blushed and closed the door quickly. Later with his parents and Sirius, they had discussed certain rules about what the two of them could and couldn't do in James' room. Unfortunately, having hot, passionate sex with his gorgeous, sexy boyfriend was amongst the 'could not do'.

As James pushed the door open and entered their small London flat, he noticed that the lights were out and Sirius was clearly not home.

James was worried. Sirius worked at home; he wrote articles for The Daily Prophet and he had not spoken of going out for research or interviews today.

He went to the kitchen, opened a new bottle of red wine, and brought two glasses with him to the living room. He sat down on the couch and started to wait for Sirius to come home. He figured he wouldn't wait too long because his boyfriend never came back late when he was doing research. He liked to start his paper when the ideas were still fresh in his head.

James grinned. Sirius would not start a new article tonight. He had other plans for those skilful hands.

He picked up a magazine and began to turn the pages lazily, not really interested in what he was reading.

Nearly two hours later, he heard the door opening and saw his gorgeous boyfriend come in. When Sirius saw the bottle and the two glasses on the coffee table in front of the sofa he immediately realised what James had planned for the evening, and guilt could be read all over his face.

"James, I'm so sorry," he started, looking as apologetic as he could.

"Don't worry, it's okay." James smiled. He was glad to have Sirius at home; the hour did not matter. And he had been late himself often enough in the first months working at the Ministry. He was in an exceptionally good mood and nothing could damper it.

"No. I mean, I was just having dinner with Remus and Lily and I forgot time. I'm so sorry. Forgive me." Sirius was standing in front of James, still wearing his coat, his grey eyes shining in the light.

James frowned. It was not in Sirius' habit to apologise so much, but he thought that perhaps Sirius really was sorry they hadn't spent the evening together as he had planned to. They had not had much time together lately, and he missed his boyfriend dearly.

Quickly dismissing the thought that perhaps Sirius was not telling the truth about his whereabouts, he took Sirius' hands and stood up to kiss him.

"Hey, the evening is not over yet. I still have plans for tonight."

"Mmmm."

Clearly Sirius agreed with his idea as he led him to their bedroom, the two men still kissing passionately.

* * *

The next day, James was working in his office when he heard a knock at the door.

"Come in."

"Hi James!" Remus said as he entered the small office.

"Moony! Nice to see you," James greeted him enthusiastically. He had not seen his friend since the last full moon, three weeks earlier. they had both been busy and Remus was trying to adapt to living with his girlfriend from Hogwarts, Lily. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Well, I came by to ask you and Sirius to come and have dinner with Lily and me tonight. We have something to tell you." He grinned.

James looked at his friend puzzled. "Didn't you have dinner with Sirius last night?"

"No, I had dinner with Lily. A very interesting dinner if I might add," he said with a wink. He looked very happy and didn't seem to take notice of James' odd question.

"Oh… I must have confused," James said with a frown. "So, what's the news?" he added, hoping that Remus wouldn't notice his uneasiness.

"There would be no surprise if I told you now, James," Remus replied smiling. "Don't worry, it's good news," he added when he saw the worry in James' eyes.

"Okay. We'll be there. What time?"

"Six is good?"

"Yeah. See you tonight."

In a flash, Remus was gone and his elated mood with him. James sat back in his chair, unable to understand what had just happened.

Sirius had deliberately lied to him the previous night. He had come in, apologised and made up an excuse without the blink of an eye.

James sighed. Sirius had prepared that excuse beforehand. It had not been thought up on the moment, it had been clearly planned and rightly executed.

He would never have suspected anything if Remus hadn't come in today. That was the most disturbing thought. That he could not tell when his boyfriend was lying to him. That maybe Sirius lied to him on a regular basis and he had never suspected anything. That maybe this was something he had always done.

What James did not want to think about was why Sirius had lied to him. He had not been having dinner with Remus and Lily the previous night. Where had he spent those three hours?

Clearly he had not wanted James to know about it.

James controlled a shiver as he arrived to the most dreaded conclusion. No, Sirius wouldn't cheat on him. They loved each other so much. After so many hesitations, so many delays, they were finally together.

Sure the last months living together had seen fights and harsh words. But they always had made up afterwards, professing their love. There was nothing setting them apart, they always told each other everything.

They were not married, but both men had claimed their relationship was forever.

There was no way Sirius was cheating on him already.

Maybe he had being buying James a gift or something. After all, their anniversary was only two weeks ahead.

James had planned to take Sirius out to dinner and ask him to marry him, he had already bought matching gold bands that he had carefully hidden in his office where there was no chance for Sirius to find them accidentally; but he had no idea what Sirius had in mind.

Yes, that was it. It was some stupid secret surprise, and there was nothing to worry about. Sirius loved to surprise him; and he loved to be surprised by Sirius.

Still James was a bit unnerved by the ease with which Sirius had lied to him.

He could ask him about it when he went back home, before going to Remus and Lily's; that was the only way to ease his doubts.

But what if it was indeed a surprise and he ruined it? Sirius would not be happy. And that was the last thing in the world he wanted.

James buried his thoughts in his mind. He would wait to see how things went and he would stay calm. If Sirius told him he didn't want to talk about it, he wouldn't press the issue.

Sirius loved him. He was sure of it. No need to worry.

He took a quill and went back to work. He had to finish early tonight if he wanted to be at Remus' by six.

* * *

Next chapter: Where it's a good idea to tell the truth the second time around

A/N: I've started writing that particular ficmore thana year ago. It's not exactly finished yet, but it will be, don't worry D I would love to hear what you think about it! Don't hesitate to leave me a review.


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Doubts 2/9

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

A/N: I had this idea when I was coerced into writing a fluff drabble by Prongs. I had to write it.

Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?  
Thanks to all the people who reviewed the first chapter! You made me want to post more. I hope you enjoy chapter 2 as well D

* * *

Chapter 2: Where it's a good idea to tell the truth the second time around

James had always thought a simple kiss was the best way to be welcomed home; he quickly realised how wrong he had been when he was knocked out by Sirius as soon as he crossed the threshold of their flat. Not even realising he had dropped his keys, he struggled to breathe as Sirius held him tight, kissing and licking every bit of flesh he could find.

Before long they were both half naked on the floor of the living room and Sirius reached out for James' waistband, trying to get him out of his pants without releasing his hold on him. The shirt had already been taken care of, and had been thrown out in haste, in the vague direction of the couch.

"I missed you today," Sirius managed to whisper between kisses.

The pants were definitely an old memory when the clock struck five-thirty and James jerked up.

With great difficulty and will power, he managed to stop Sirius' ministrations and tried to control his erratic breathing.

"We have to be at Remus by six, love. Stop."

Sirius froze.

"Remus?"

"Yes, he came by my office today. Apparently, he and Lily have some big news to tell us and they invited us for dinner."

Sirius slowly stood up, looking embarrassed and ashamed, either because of his earlier behaviour or his lie, James could not tell which.

Sirius extended a hand and helped James up without a word, then turned around and started to collect their clothes, the previously naughty mood clearly forgotten. James watched his usually chatty lover bemusedly; whatever Sirius was keeping from him was a big issue and he was not merely slightly worried about what it could be. His shoulders slumped, Sirius was moving slowly around the living room, picking up shirts and trousers as he went, and James let his lover collect his thoughts, he would wait for Sirius to be ready to talk.

However, when he heard the first sob coming from Sirius' lean form, he walked to where he was standing, just outside their bedroom, and, coming behind him, put his arms around his lover's waist, holding him in a tight embrace. He pressed his cheek against the taller man's shoulder blades, never letting him out of his hold.

They stayed like this for a few minutes, until the tears dried in Sirius' eyes and he was able to speak.

"Are you mad at me, James?" he asked in a voice that lacked his usual confidence and strength.

James heart ached to see the man he loved more than anything hurt like this and promptly decided to put him at ease.

"Of course not, Sirius. You know I can't be mad at you."

He heard Sirius' loud sigh and felt some of the tension leave his body. He went on, "But I wish you would tell me what's wrong. We promised each other we would be honest all the time, we swore that there would be no secrets between us. You know you can tell me everything, love."

There was no accusation in his tone, only understanding and love.

Sirius turned around and looked briefly in James' hazel eyes before circling him with his arms, placing his head on James' right shoulder, relishing his warmth.

He took a large breath and released it before speaking.

James was prepared for the worst by now, and waited anxiously for Sirius' explanation. They would probably be late to Remus', but he couldn't care less; Remus was their best friend, he was sure he would understand. They would Floo-call him later in the evening.

He felt Sirius hesitate, and he tightened his hold on the other man to reassure him of his affection.

"I… I wanted to tell you yesterday, but… I was afraid of your reaction." Sirius paused but James didn't press on, he simply waited for him to continue. "I saw Regulus yesterday," he said in what was little more than a whisper.

He continued in a rush, wanting to let it all out before his famous Gryffindor courage failed him.

"He owled me in the morning; he said he would be in Hogsmeade in the evening, and asked me to meet him at the Hog's Head. He said he had something important to tell me; the tone of the letter was urgent. He reminded me that whatever had happened between my parents and me, we're still brothers. I… I couldn't say no. I knew you wouldn't want me to go, but no mater what happened, he's still my brother, and I wanted to see what he had to tell me. You know he could have been in danger or something, he's still young, and…"

"It's okay, Sirius, calm down," James said as he ran smoothing circles on Sirius' back. He added in a calm, quiet voice, "It's okay, love. I understand." He pulled back a little from Sirius' arms and placed a tender kiss on his lips, trying to show his acceptance and forgiveness.

Gently, he took his lover's hands in his owns and led him to sit on the bed, carefully ignoring the fact that they were still both half naked.

Sirius was not looking at him; he was toying with his hands on his lap, the nervousness from earlier clearly not completely forgotten.

"What did he want?" James probed gently, sensing the distress emanating in waves from his lover.

"He … he explained he had just joined the Death Eaters," Sirius murmured.

A shiver ran through James' body. "What?" he exploded, his yell disturbing the all too quiet flat.

Sirius jumped, startled by James' sudden loudness, but James' hand on his arm made him remain seated.

"I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean it like that. Would you care to tell me more?"

James hoped that he had not scared his lover; Sirius tended to close on himself when he couldn't cope with the events in his life. It had taken James three full months to know what had happened with his family to finally make Sirius run away at sixteen.

Ever since, Sirius' family, and especially his younger brother Regulus, had always been a touchy subject.

"He joined the Death Eaters during the summer. He showed me the mark on his right arm. It's awful. How could he do something that stupid?" Anger was piercing Sirius' subdued voice.

"I should have prevented that. I know what you think, James, that he's just one of them, but he's still my brother, and I can't stop caring about him – even in a weird way. I know he's not that bad, I mean, he did it to please our parents, I'm sure he doesn't truly believe one word of that pure-blooded crap he's advertising. But ever since I ran away, he had to fill in and be the heir to the Black family. I didn't leave him any option. Joining the Death Eaters was just one more step."

Sirius stopped and looked at James, his grey eyes showing his unconditional love for the man in front of him.

"I know how you feel about him. I knew you'd be angry that I went to meet him. I know I shouldn't have lied about it but… I guess I didn't want to ruin the evening."

He paused again, swallowing his guilt with great difficulty.

"I would have told you, eventually, James, I swear I would have told you. Can you forgive me?"

The look in his eyes was pleading, a silent prayer, telling more about how sorry he was than any words could have.

James had remained silent during the entire speech, waiting to hear everything Sirius had to say, knowing very well that if he interrupted him, the beautiful man that shared his life would lose all courage and stop before the end.

He should have felt anger and disappointment that Sirius had lied to him, but curiously, all he felt was love and concern. He knew Sirius hadn't lied to deceive him but because he didn't know how to tell him the truth. Added to the fact that Sirius was more than remorseful and that Regulus was indeed still a taboo between them, there was no reason for him to be angry with his best friend.

When he saw Sirius expecting his answer, almost waiting for him to scold him and maybe leave him, despite his earlier reassurance that he wasn't mad at him, James smiled.

There was little that Sirius could do that could make him stay angry with his lover for long, and surely a chat with his brother – no matter how much he despised the said brother – was not amongst those things.

He raised his hand to Sirius' chin and forced him to look at him, Sirius having gone back to toying with his hands.

"Sirius, look at me, love," he ordered. Sirius complied, his grey eyes clouded with unshed tears.

"Of course, I forgive you." Sirius allowed a small smile to emerge on his lips.

"I love you. I just wish you had told me." Sirius nodded.

"You don't have to lie about your brother or anything else, you know? You can tell me anything." He quickly deposited a loving kiss on Sirius' expecting lips.

"It's true that I don't like your brother, but you should be able to tell me about him, okay?"

"Okay," Sirius answered in a strangled voice, the emotion barely contained.

"Hey, don't worry. It's over." James hugged Sirius tightly once again so they could both feel the powerful feelings that united them.

"That's not all, isn't it? He asked you to join them as well." James voice was still gentle but firm.

"Yes. I refused of course. How could he think that I would accept something like that? After that, I left, and I came back home. I'm sorry James, I should have told you the truth."

"I know you would have told me in your own time, Sirius. It's okay. I know you care about him," he said truthfully.

"Yeah. I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I don't think he has the backbone to be a Death Eater, not the kind that survives anyway. I'm afraid they're going to kill him."

"You have done everything you could, Padfoot. It won't be your fault, you know."

"Yeah. I still feel responsible, though."

"I know."

James and Sirius was still locked in each other's arms when a few minutes later, they heard Remus' voice coming form the living room fireplace.

"Hey guys! It's six thirty. Lily is wondering what happened to you!"

James looked at Sirius' tired features. "Maybe we can postpone this till tomorrow if you aren't up to it."

Sirius brushed away the last tears on his face and smiled.

"No, it's okay. It will feel good to see Remus and Lily again. Can you go and tell him we'll be there in fifteen minutes?"

"Absolutely, if you're sure." James wanted to go and see his friends, but not if his lover needed him to comfort him more. There was nothing he couldn't do for Sirius.

"I'm sure."

James quickly put on a shirt and a pair of trousers that were lying on the floor and headed for the living room.

Remus' head was still waiting in the green light of the fireplace, looking worried. His look rapidly turned into an amused one when he took in James' dishevelled state as he watched his friend coming from the bedroom.

"Sorry, Moony, I know I promised we'd be at your place by six but something I hadn't anticipated happened."

Remus raised a questioning eyebrow.

"Sirius went to see Regulus in Hogsmeade," he answered the unspoken question. "It seems he has joined the ranks of the Death Eaters."

"But he's only sixteen!" Remus exclaimed.

"I know. And Sirius was upset about it, we had to talk and I forgot the time, I'm sorry."

"No problem, mate. Are you still coming or should we put it off? I'm sure Lily would understand," Remus offered.

James was touched. Of course he had known Remus would understand, but it was always nice to be reminded of what a great friend he was.

He smiled. "No, Sirius said he wanted to come. And I, for one, am curious about the great news you're supposed to announce to us. Give us fifteen minutes to get ready."

"Right. I'll tell Lily. Just call if you need more time."

"Thanks Moony. See you in a few."

Remus' head popped out of the fireplace and the green flames disappeared with him.

Wondering what he could wear and more importantly if Sirius was okay, James walked back to the bedroom he shared with his lover.

* * *

About fifteen minutes later, James and Sirius apparated with a loud crack in front of Remus and Lily's door. They rented a nice flat in another district of London, nearer to the Ministry where they both worked. Remus would have preferred to become a teacher; they all had always felt he would make a great Defence Against the Dart Arts professor, but he had had to be realistic and cope with the fact that nobody – not even Dumbledore – would hire a werewolf for a teacher, even if the position at Hogwarts had been open.

Even if he had taken a post at the Ministry gladly, James was sure that Remus had not abandoned his dream, and he hoped his friend would see it realised one day. After all, change would be good at Hogwarts, because Defence had been taught by the same old, boring fool for the last fifteen years, and sometimes, even Binns' lessons were more interesting than the Defence ones.

James glanced at Sirius before knocking on the door; his lover wore a dark blue silk shirt and black trousers that reminded him painfully that they had interrupted Sirius' welcome home party before getting into the interesting part. He hoped they would correct that mistake later that night, if nothing else, to affirm to Sirius that he had really forgiven him and that he loved him with all his heart.

They shared a small smile, all previous distress erased from Sirius' beautiful face, and he knocked on the door.

Lily was the one who let them in, dressed in a tight black dress that underlined her thin silhouette and made her hair seem even more flamboyant. She was truly a magnificent woman, and even James and Sirius, gay and smitten with each other, could not avoid noticing her.

Remus came from the kitchen and kissed his girlfriend lightly on the cheek. He hugged Sirius and James, and refrained from mentioning Sirius' brother, not wanting to darken the mood unnecessarily.

"Dinner is almost ready."

They all went to seat in the living room on two dark red couches facing each other, near a large fireplace where flames warmed the atmosphere.

James and Sirius loved having dinner at their friends' place because it was always a great experience for them. Both James and Sirius came from pure-blooded families and they only knew about Muggles what they had learned in Muggle Studies at school or what their friends had taught them – not much. They could survive in Muggle London, as long as Diagon Alley was nearby.

But Lily was Muggle born and Remus a half-blood, and their flat had at least as many weird Muggle devices as wizarding ones, if not more. Each evening the two wizards spent in that strange and foreign environment was a delightful surprise, and laughs were usually shared at Sirius' expense, since he couldn't refrain from touching everything.

At first Lily had been more than upset because her 'weird Muggle contraptions' as Sirius called them, ended broken more often than not, but she quickly realised that her shrieks wouldn't be enough to scare off the ex-Gryffindor, especially once he had explained about his mother, and she took upon herself the task to detail every object he might find interesting before he could break it. Sirius' curiosity was often satisfied before anything ended up in pieces on the floor, and the tacit arrangement remained.

James and Sirius looked at Remus and Lily eagerly, after Remus had poured each of them a glass of champagne. In a shaking voice, Remus broke the silence.

"I asked Lily to marry me and she said yes. We're engaged! The wedding is scheduled for next May," he said enthusiastically.

Congratulations flowed forth from the two dark haired men as they hugged the happy couple.

With tears in his eyes, Sirius was the first to say he had always suspected they were made for each other, and James followed, asking the joyful man what had taken him so long to propose.

They all sat back and drank the champagne, toasting the future married couple's happiness.

Remus then asked Sirius to be his best man, and the Animagus agreed with joy. The werewolf apologised to James, explaining he could only have one best man, but before he could lose himself in confused excuses, James patted him on the back, telling him there was absolutely no problem, as he realised how much it meant to Sirius.

Dinner was ready by the time they had finished the first bottle of champagne and they opened a second one to drink during their meal.

It was much later, after dessert had been savoured and much alcohol consumed that James even remarked that Peter wasn't there. Remus explained they hadn't succeeded in contacting him, and they hadn't wanted to put off the celebration with Sirius and him. James shrugged and forgot quickly about it. Peter was indeed difficult to join these days; maybe his job was keeping him really busy.

When they decided to call it a night, the effect of the alcohol had pretty much dissipated, and the two lovers were able to Apparate back to their flat, waving off Lily's concern and her offer to call them a cab.

They hugged the happy couple one last time before Disapparating with a loud crack.

Once back in the intimacy of their apartment, they swiftly undressed and James took it upon himself to show Sirius that he loved him every bit as much as Lily and Remus loved each other, even if they hadn't formed vows to demonstrated it publicly – yet.

* * *

Next chapter: Where some ideas are discussed and others are kept hidden 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Doubts

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?

&&&

Chapter 3: Where some ideas are discussed and others are kept hidden

"Morning, love."

"Morning, James," Sirius answered with a yawn.

He turned to face his lover in their bed and scooted closer to kiss him.

James savoured their first kiss of the day, like he always did. This was by far his favourite moment of the day; sure, he enjoyed when they kissed at any moment, and he definitely liked the long nights of shared passion, but nothing could ever compare to their first kiss morning ritual. It showed love and tenderness more than any other gesture could do.

It was a sacred tradition.

Whatever that they had planned to do for the day, they woke up together and kissed before anything else.

It had started shortly after they had moved in together, when James worked long hours at the Ministry – the benefit of being the newest and youngest employee – and he often had to get up early and come back late at night. Sirius had taken to waking up with him and kissing him good morning before falling asleep again.

At first, James had been surprised, as Sirius was not a morning person; with Peter and Remus, they had spent seven years at Hogwarts sharing the duty to drag him out of bed every morning, but since that first day, not a morning had passed without both of them waking up to that first kiss.

James smiled at his still-sleepy lover. That ritual was the symbol of their relationship. It conveyed how much they were ready to put up with to make it work. Nothing was more important to either of them. He knew he sounded sappy and contended, but that was what having Sirius in his life did to him.

While he was lost in his thoughts, Sirius had dropped his head on his chest, using him as a giant, soft pillow.

"Do you have to work today, Sirius?" James asked, stroking his boyfriend's long soft locks.

"Hmmmm," Sirius answered drowsily.

"Is that a yes?" James chuckled.

"Yep," Sirius replied, not moving from his comfortable spot.

"I'll see you for lunch, then?" James continued, mostly because letting Sirius falling asleep again was certainly not an option.

"Okay."

James chuckled again; it was very hard to draw out more than one-word replies from Sirius on mornings, especially when their late-night activities had prevented them from sleeping their much-needed eight hours.

Thinking about how sweet and passionate their lovemaking had been when they had returned from Remus and Lily's, he grinned and placed a chaste kiss on Sirius' forehead.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Last night was wonderful. I love you." Another kiss on the lips.

"I love you too, James." Sirius looked up at his lover, fully awake now. "You're sure you're not mad at me for not telling you about Regulus?"

"Absolutely." He looked into Sirius' grey eyes. He had always marvelled at the colour of his lover's eyes; they never looked the same from day to day. Today there were more on the light-blue side of grey. "Sure, I would have preferred your telling me on the moment, but as I told you yesterday, it's okay. I understand why you were afraid of telling me. Don't worry about it."

They shared another sweet kiss before James decided it was time to get up, or else they never would. Sirius' head fell back on his pillow, and he snuggled closer to James' pillow to make up for his lost warmth.

"If you get up, I'll make you breakfast!" James tried.

And just as predicted, Sirius jumped out of bed in the direction of the bathroom.

James headed to the kitchen, wondering how Sirius would have ever managed living alone. He smirked, thinking that he would have been entrusted with the task to get him up even if they didn't live together. Sirius was his best friend, after all.

Fifteen minutes later, they were sharing a huge breakfast over their kitchen table. It hadn't required much work from James, since they did almost everything by magic in their apartment, including cooking. Neither of them had really understood how to do it the Muggle way without extensive damage to their surroundings, despite the hours-long explanations from their friends.

"So, were you surprised by Remus and Lily's announcement last night?" Sirius asked, back to his usual chatty self.

"Yes, I was. Why? Weren't you?" James answered, taken aback by the question.

"No, not really, I guess. I knew Remus had been wanting to propose to her for ages. I didn't know he had found the courage to do it, though." Sirius replied, chewing happily on a sausage.

"I didn't know that. But then, you've always been closer to Remus," James said.

He was reminded of how, when he had first noticed how close Remus and Sirius had grown in sixth year, he had been jealous. Jealous of Remus because of all the time Sirius spent with him, and jealous of Sirius because of the intimate confessions Remus made to him and to no one else. Sirius was his best friend, and even if James loved Remus like a brother, he had felt somehow cheated on when the two of them started to spend so much time together. They had all these secret conversations, and always grew quiet whenever he entered the room. They had tried to convince him he was imagining things, and that they weren't keeping secrets from him, but James knew better. No one could steal his best friend from him. It irked him so much to think that Sirius probably told Remus things he never told James about. He didn't understand why Sirius had had the sudden urge to confide in Remus rather than in himself.

In their seventh year, he had realised why it bothered him so much to see Remus and Sirius so close together. He was in love with his best friend.

After a few months of internal debate, he had gone to see Remus to have a little heart-to-heart with him, and to find out if he and Sirius were in love with each other. Remus had told him there was nothing going on between them, other than a strong friendship, and had helped him devise a plan to find out if Sirius was interested in him or not. But he had refused to tell him what Sirius talked to him about.

Much later, when he and Sirius had finally admitted being in love with each other, he had discovered that he was the main subject in Remus and Sirius' conversations. Sirius had confessed to being in love with him to Remus at the beginning of their sixth year, and Remus had tried to help him.

When James had learned how Remus had helped both of them, he had been very surprised. Although he knew their werewolf friend was good at keeping secrets, he would never has portrayed him as a devious man - but he was, and James was so glad about that.

"In fact, I thought he was going to announce to us that Lily was pregnant," James said, taking a sip from his tea. He had had the entire afternoon to think about it. True, he had mostly thought about why Sirius would have lied to him, and that had distracted him quite a bit, but he had been intrigued about the important news Remus was so excited about, and he had been convinced he was speaking of a baby. He didn't know what he had ruled out a marriage announcement; he just had, subconsciously.

Sirius looked up, surprised. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"And what did you think about that?" Once out of his sleepy state, Sirius had a very curious nature, to the point where it could be annoying at times, but that morning everything felt so perfect to James, and nothing could have ruined the mood.

"Well… I don't know… I guess I was a bit surprised since they aren't married or anything. Plus they're both very young."

"Go on."

"And…Well…" James didn't know how to phrase his thoughts. "You know, with Voldemort's menace out there, having a baby now isn't the most clever idea, I think."

"So what? People should stop having babies because of that freak with his power hunger and pure-blood mania?" Sirius' tone betrayed his latent anger each time the Dark Lord's name was spoken.

"No. That's not what I meant… but maybe now is not the right time, especially since they're both quite active in the fight against Voldemort and his Death Eaters, you know. What could happen to their baby if they were both killed or captured?" James tried to keep his tone reasonable, as he knew how Sirius felt each time that particular subject was broached. He supposed it reminded him too much of his horrible family, all the more now that Regulus had become a Death Eater himself.

"But we're active too. We're just as much a part of the Order as they are!"

"Right. But we're not having a baby either, love. We never even discussed it," James replied, somehow astonished at the turn the discussion seemed to have taken.

"Right. Anyway, I'm sure they're gonna have a great wedding!" Sirius said cheerfully.

James was confused by the abrupt change of subject, but he realised that Sirius indubitably didn't want to darken the mood of their breakfast, particularly since he still had to feel a little guilty about his lie.

He really had feared James' rejection the day before, and James knew Sirius would avoid any kind of confrontation for a few days at least, until he was completely sure James wasn't angry with him.

He sighed. Whatever he did to assure Sirius he could never leave him - no matter how badly he screwed up – Sirius would never let go of that particular fear, and when they fought he was always the one to back out first and to come to James later to make up.

James didn't complain; make up sex with Sirius was great - hell, any sex with Sirius was wonderful - but he wished he could persuade Sirius to trust him more.

There were times when he was very angry that Sirius seemed to think so little of his love for him, but he knew his best friend too well not to see where it came from. After all, he was the first person to tell Sirius he loved him. His friend did not have the chance to grow up in a loving – normal – family like he had, and it was somewhat hard for Sirius to adapt, no matter how pleased he was about the change.

He had once told James he sometimes thought it had to be a dream because he was so happy with him. James had smiled and hugged him tightly before pinching his arse to demonstrate it was quite real.

James knew only time and love would take care of his lover's issues, and he had promised himself he would be patient.

With a start, he realised Sirius was watching him intently.

"You seemed lost in your thoughts, " Sirius commented.

"Yeah. I was thinking how great it was going to be to see you having to refrain from killing Lily's bridesmaid." James smirked.

Sirius gave him a puzzled look. "Why?"

"Didn't you hear? Lily had asked her sister Petunia-"

"You're kidding?" Sirius looked at James with pleading eyes. "You're not kidding. Merlin. I'm dead." He groaned.

"Cheer up. It could have been worse."

"How?" Sirius asked in a desperate voice.

"I don't know. She could have asked someone from Slytherin. That Umbridge girl for example."

"I'm not sure it would have been worse. Have you ever talked to Petunia? She hates everything that's magic-related!" Sirius snorted.

"Luckily they're planning on a Muggle celebration-"

"What?"

"Were you even there last night? Did you pay any attention to what they were explaining?" James asked. He knew Sirius had been distracted the night before, but he hadn't comprehended the extent of the damage.

"Could this actually get any worse?" Sirius whined.

"Yes, love. You could be late for that interview you told me about."

Sirius looked at his watch. Nine. His eyes widened in panic, he jumped off his chair, kissed James good-bye, and in the blink of an eye he was out of the flat.

James sighed happily. He loved those intimate moments they shared, like a casual breakfast when he didn't have to hurry to the Ministry. Saturdays were good. Of course, Sundays were better, because Sirius rarely did work on Sundays, and they usually enjoyed breakfast in bed, after making love for most of the morning.

He stood up and started to clean up the remains of their meal, wondering where they could have lunch.

Finally, four hours later, Sirius joined James at a new restaurant they had wanted to try for weeks in Diagon Alley.

Sirius seemed a lot quieter than he had been at breakfast. He seemed troubled.

James asked about the interview.

There was a huge debate at the Ministry of Magic about the underage use of magic. Some new lobbyist thought that the coming of age should be lessened to 16, so that younger wizards could defend themselves if they encountered Death Eaters. But most of the conservative wizards thought that their parents were there to protect them should such an encounter happen, and that there was no need to revise the law. A few attacks had occurred against mixed-blooded families, and the new – and younger – wizard group had gained some political support.

Sirius had interviewed the leader of the new faction all morning; he was a busy man and the young journalist has been astonished to hear he could do an interview.

Sirius had been very excited about this, and his attitude afterwards seemed a bit odd in comparison.

"You're okay?" James asked, concerned.

"Yeah," Sirius answered, not looking up from his dish.

They enjoyed the rest of the meal quietly for the most part, James working hard at making conversation with an unusually distracted Sirius.

James sighed. Realising Sirius would not tell him what was wrong, he tried to remember what, in the previous weeks, could explain the sudden gloomy mood of his partner. He had been fine that morning.

He realised that his lover had reacted in pretty much the same way the previous week and the week before that. Each time he had been cheerful in the morning and dull at lunch or at dinner. There was no pattern he could discern, but something was clearly amiss with Sirius. That much he could tell.

For two weeks now, his lover comported himself in a bizarre way, and each time James had brought up the subject, Sirius had dismissed it, saying everything was okay. James was surprised he had not realised before that moment that these 'distracted moods' had to be related. Some lover he was!

What could bother Sirius so much he could not talk about it with James?

What could have happened this morning during the interview to make such a drastic change in Sirius' behaviour?

James was lost. How was he supposed to help Sirius if he would not tell him what upset him?

"Is it about Regulus?" he asked bluntly. That was the only plausible explanation he had in mind.

"What?"

"You're absent. Distracted. Are you worried about your brother?"

James hoped it was the right explanation, even if he could not see how it fit into the two-week period.

"Yeah. You know, I don't want him to die. I guess, speaking about Death Eater attacks this morning wasn't the best idea," Sirius replied in a subdued voice.

"Okay. Is there something I can do?"

"No. I'm sorry I'm not good company, James."

"It's all right. I understand you have a lot on your mind. No problem."

Sirius smiled. "Thank you," he whispered.

But James wasn't relieved at all. There was something else to it, he could just feel it. There was something Sirius was hiding.

He would not start an argument there. He had a sense of privacy - no matter what every teacher at Hogwarts could think – and he didn't want to fight when Sirius was already down. Plus, it was just a hunch.

But there had to be an explanation to Sirius' weird behaviour for the past weeks, his quietness whenever they got together for lunch, his horny state when they met at the end of the day – not that James was complaining – and his lying about seeing Regulus.

An idea suddenly struck him. What if Sirius hadn't really told him the truth about Regulus?

No. Sirius wouldn't lie to him twice, would he?

This was so confusing. He couldn't ask. Sirius would get angry and answer that James didn't trust him enough. But he did. He did trust Sirius. There was only that thing between them recently, like a gap that grew from day to day. He didn't know how he could have missed these little clues. But Sirius was definitely more distant these days.

He refrained from groaning out of frustration.

The day before, in his office, he had almost believed Sirius was cheating on him. He didn't want to believe that, but was it really as far-fetched as he wanted it to be? Surely Sirius didn't do anything to alleviate his doubts.

He promised himself to be extra careful to his lover during the next weeks, and to have some kind of proof before he could draw any conclusion. After all, Sirius loved him; he wouldn't betray him, would he? James was giving him everything he needed, right?

Somehow, James didn't sound so sure about that as he could have two days before.

They were now enjoying a chocolate cake, when he noticed Sirius was absently scratching his left arm.

"Have you consulted a mediwizard about that rash?" James asked between two bites of the succulent dessert.

They had discovered one morning, three weeks ago, an ugly, red rash on both Sirius' arms. The next morning it had disappeared, but it had reappeared later on his legs. It had disappeared again, to come back on his back, and so on…

After a week, James had grown worried and insisted Sirius go and see a mediwizard. That was the last time they had talked about it.

"Oh, yes. I forgot to tell you. I went… last week. He gave me a potion so it wouldn't itch so much, and something to put on it. He said it was nothing to be concerned about, that it would go away pretty soon on its own," Sirius said in a rush.

James frowned. Another clue. Sirius wouldn't go to see a mediwizard and not tell him about it, especially since he knew how much James had been worried about the rash. It was true James had forgot to ask about it, but Sirius hadn't seemed bothered by it lately, and it had slipped his mind.

He hoped Sirius was telling the truth. Sure he didn't look sick or anything, so it was probably nothing important, but why was he acting so weird?

His last though as they left the restaurant – after leaving the five galleons due on the table – was, 'I love you so much, Sirius, please, don't leave me'.

&&&

Next chapter: Where it's a bad idea to eavesdrop


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Doubts

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?

Thanks to the people who reviewed the previous chapters! I'm glad to know that there are some people here who appreciate this fic D

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Chapter 4: Where it's a bad idea to eavesdrop 

James suddenly stopped; he had been pacing back and forth in his living room for the past two hours.

Sirius was late. Again.

James didn't know if he was more angry than worried, or more scared than furious. The whole 'Regulus Incident', as he has named it in his mind, was less than a week old, and Sirius had been a very attentive lover for the past few days, but now that James had noticed the distance between them, he couldn't help but perceive all those little details that told him something was amiss with Sirius.

He had not been able to completely dismiss the idea that his boyfriend was somehow being unfaithful to him.

He knew Sirius loved him, but he was so afraid that their happiness wouldn't last; he couldn't stop himself from considering the worst-case scenario. After all, their love was still new; they had yet to celebrate their first anniversary together. They had never talked – really talked – about the future, and how they both saw it.

What if Sirius wasn't looking for a long-term relationship with him? They were best friends, and had been for the last eight years or so. What if Sirius was just comfortable with him, and still waiting for the love of his life to come across his way?

What if Sirius did love him, but wasn't in love with him anymore?

All those questions had been poisoning James' mind for the past week and he could hardly think about anything else these days, except when he and Sirius were making love – which they had been doing quite a lot since the night Lily and Remus had told them about their engagement.

He wanted to propose to Sirius the next week for their anniversary; the rings he had bought were still in his office drawer, protected from inquisitive hands by a powerful charm.

But he wasn't sure of Sirius' reaction.

What would happen if Sirius wasn't in love with him any longer, or didn't want to commit to him?

James knew without a doubt that Sirius was his soul mate, the one and only person he wished to spend the rest of his days with. Did Sirius feel the same?

James didn't think he would be able to bear the shame and disappointment if Sirius said no.

He had been so sure his boyfriend would say yes, but why hadn't he contemplated the alternative?

That was easy enough to answer; he couldn't stand the idea of losing Sirius, and he couldn't picture him in the arms of another man.

He looked at his watch again; a sigh of frustration escaped from his lips. More than two hours. Sirius had told him, before leaving this morning, that he would be home by six. It was now close to eight thirty. Where could he be?

James was fully aware that Sirius didn't keep straight hours like he did, working in an office, but even the longest of his interviews never had made him two and a half hours late.

Checking his watch again, only to see that barely a few minutes had passed since the last time, James grew more and more worried by the second.

He realised with horror that he had only considered two reasons for his lover's absence: a work-related good reason and a bad reason James didn't want to dwell on. But he had completely overlooked the fact that Sirius could very well be lying in a dark alley, wounded, or even worse, dead.

A shiver went through his spine as James considered this option. They hadn't heard of any new Death Eater raids in a few days, and Sirius had assured him that Regulus hadn't tried to contact him after that first time in Hogsmeade. He had even sworn he would tell James on the spot if he ever did – not that he thought he would, of course.

Lost in his thoughts, James didn't even hear the click of the key in the lock, so he was very surprised to see his lover looking sheepishly at him from the doorframe when he looked up. The tension finally left his body when James realised his boyfriend was at home, alive, and looking unharmed. Relief was soon replaced by anger as he rose from the couch he hadn't noticed he was sitting on.

Sirius closed the door silently, and slowly made his way toward his boyfriend.

He opened his mouth to speak, to apologise or to explain – no doubt – but James didn't let him.

"Do I want to know why you are two and a half hours late? Or are you even going to tell me the truth this time?" he yelled.

That was a low blow. He had spent the last week reassuring Sirius that he had forgiven him, and that he wasn't angry about his lying to him, but at the first fight he hadn't been able not to throw it in his face.

Anger was pouring out of him now, and he continued before Sirius could utter a word, unable to stop the hurtful words from coming out of his mouth.

"I mean, it's not like you couldn't Floo-call, phone, Apparate, owl, … whatever, I don't care, just to warn me that you'd be late. Merlin, you're a bloody wizard! Tell me you were surrounded by a dozen Death Eaters and you only managed to leave unscathed because of your amazing duelling skills! Tell me you were interviewing the new director of Azkaban. Tell me you had absolutely no way to warn me. Just don't tell me you simply forgot that I was waiting for you. Just don't tell me you didn't consider that I would be dying from worry about you, Sirius. Just don't tell me that!" James' voice had decreased to a pleading whisper by the last sentence, having washed out most of his anger with the first harsh words.

He saw Sirius looking down at his feet.

"I'm sorry, James," his lover said in a small voice so unusual for him, "I…"

James interrupted him yet again.

"I'm not even sure I want to hear it, Sirius," he said, the disgust clear in his voice.

Would Sirius tell him the truth, or another lie?

Where in hell could he have been?

Had he lost any trust he had in Sirius?

"Let me explain, please, James," Sirius started, looking every bit as guilty as possible. He went on when he didn't hear any objection from his lover. "I was writing this paper at the Leaky Cauldron, you know, I had met with that conservative guy earlier, and I wanted the ideas on the paper, fresh out of my mind, they were flowing, and I guess I forgot to check for the time. I'm so sorry. And when I had finished, I was heading home, I hadn't realised how late I was, I thought I still had time, I forgot to take my watch this morning. Well, then I ran into John Hargrove, you remember him, he was in our year, Ravenclaw, I think, anyway, he recognised me and we started to chat. He bought me a drink, asked about you. I swear I didn't realise how late I was. He's into broom design you know, it seems that's what he had wanted to do since he was a little kid…"

James gave him a stern, hard look. How could he talk about that guy's life when he was supposed to explain about his delay?

James wasn't surprised, however; Sirius had always possessed the strange ability to start off on a tangent when talking about serious matters.

Sirius didn't stop, as if he expected James to start yelling at him again.

"And then he told me it was late, and he had to go home to his wife. He's married to that Ravenclaw in the year above us, Sarah Wilkins, they've been going out for two years you know. And that was the moment when I realised it was already eight fifteen. I bolted out of the Leaky Cauldron, took my motorbike and came straight back home." He paused to take a deep breath. "I'm so sorry, James. You must be so disappointed in me." There were tears in Sirius' eyes, and James wondered what made his lover so emotional these days.

Usually, when James yelled, Sirius yelled back, trying to convince his boyfriend that he was really the one at fault, because he didn't trust him enough or because he hadn't explained correctly what he wanted, or something else. He never just apologised with teary eyes, as if James was going to break up with him and throw him out, much less twice in one week.

Bloody hell! This wasn't the first time they had a fight. Why did Sirius seem so confused?

If it was a new tactic, it worked, because suddenly James was the one feeling guilty, and in need to apologise for his behaviour.

"I'm sorry I yelled, Sirius, but I was so worried. Could you be more careful next time?" he asked gently. "Or I will start to think you're having an affair." He laughed uneasily; he had intended it as a joke, but it sounded wrong in his ears.

That night after they went to bed, they didn't make love; they just cuddled together, with Sirius' head in his favourite spot on James' chest.

With a contend purr, James stroked Sirius' long stands. He was still angry with his boyfriend, but he loved to hold him close.

His thoughts went back to the events of the evening. Sirius had lied to him again. He was sure of it. He hadn't dared confront him about it earlier, firstly because he hadn't any proof, just a hunch, and secondly because he had felt his lover was going to burst into tears if he went on. He didn't know if he could stand making Sirius cry twice in a week.

So he would try to find evidence. He couldn't follow Sirius everywhere, hoping that he would do next week whatever he had been doing that day, and probably the previous week as well. He had no idea how he would spy on his lover, but he was going to.

Because, by now, lying in the dark, thinking about it, he was sure Sirius was hiding something important from him. It might be related to his brother or it might not. Sirius had once told him that the best way to make a lie convincing was to keep it as close as possible to the truth. They had been discussing the amazing way in which Sirius had fooled McGonagall into believing they were innocent of the latest prank of the day. James had been impressed; the last time he had tried it, they had ended with detention for one week because of the prank, and for another week because of the lie he had told.

Sirius was a good liar, no doubt; why was it so hard to think he would lie to James too, if it suited him?

As he felt asleep, James wondered why he couldn't keep Sirius happy and satisfied, and why Sirius couldn't tell him his secret.

* * *

The next night found the two lovers in the exact same situation. Sirius was once more fast asleep in James' arms, and James was pondering the events of the day. 

If anyone had told him yesterday things would look worse that they already did, he would have laughed. Now he didn't have the heart to laugh anymore.

He didn't have the courage to talk about it to Sirius, mostly because he was afraid of what it could mean. He didn't want to break up with him.

He was going crazy; he couldn't think about anything else, he needed someone to talk to. He could have gone to Remus, they were good friends, but now Remus was part of the problem.

He had come back early from work to spend some time with Sirius that didn't involve yelling or crying for any of them, to work on a plan to find out the truth, and when he had entered their apartment, he had heard two voices coming from the bedroom. At first he had panicked, still thinking about the possibility of surprising Sirius in the arms of another man, but then, he had been delighted to recognise Remus' low timber. He had not seen the werewolf since the previous week and he wanted to hear about all the wedding arrangements. Plus, he hoped he could ask Remus if he had noticed Sirius' somewhat strange behaviour, and if he knew anything about it.

When he had approached the bedroom door, he had been startled to hear some bits of a conversation that had nothing to do with weddings plans between a groom and his best man. He had known he shouldn't intrude on a private discussion like that, but he hadn't been able to help himself.

"… he'll notice, he's not stupid." That was Remus.

"I know." Sirius sounded depressed.

"So, what are you going to do? … tell him! Do you think … with your life as if nothing happened?"

"No."

"It's going to change both your lives. You have to tell James." So Remus knew about Sirius' secret. Whatever Sirius was supposed to tell him, it didn't sound like good news.

"But what if he's angry?"

"It's not like you did it on purpose, Padfoot, is it?"

"Of course. But you know, he's going to be so … right away. He could have forgiven me then, … weakness, but now he will never accept it."4

"You're exaggerating, Padfoot, like always."

"No. He's going to be pissed off."

James hadn't doubted that they had been talking about him. It seemed that Sirius wanted to tell him something, something important, by the sound of it, but didn't dare to, fearing his reaction. What could it be?

James moved closer to the door to hear more clearly what his two friends were saying in hushed voices.

"… he's not. He's … tolerant…, I'm sure. … eventually."

"If he ever finds out, he's going to leave me. I can't let that happen!"

"But it's not like you can stop it."

"No. And I don't want to … opportunity, …"

"… tell Prongs."

"Maybe. I have to think about my options again. I may be able to come ..."

"You don't have much time."

"I know, Remus, I know. Could you cover for me for the next time I meet him-"

Sirius stopped suddenly as James crashed to the ground in a loud noise. He had been so taken with the conversation that he hadn't paid attention, and he had slipped and fallen on the floor. He had quickly recovered and made a few steps back into the living room. He still had had his coat on, so he could very well have been just coming in.

Sirius and Remus had soon appeared in the doorway, looking curiously at James, who had been brushing dust off his shirt. He had had about one minute to compose a friendly face, and the two other wizards had bought his act without a second thought.

Sirius had rushed to his side to check if he was indeed okay, and James had answered he had slipped on the carpet by the couch, an impressive and loud, but harmless fall.

James had greeted Remus, and all three had made plans for the full moon later that week, before Remus had left to have dinner with Lily's dreaded family.

They had parted after a few laughs at the werewolf's expense, and a few words of encouragement, and then Sirius and James had shared a quiet home-cooked meal, both lost in their thoughts.

And now James was lying in their bed while sleep eluded him, thinking back at what he could conclude from what he had heard.

He was looking for facts. It was a fact that Sirius had lied to him, twice. Had he even really met with Regulus the past week? Probably not.

James shook his head. He could only come to one conclusion when he put all the clues together. Sirius was cheating on him.

Their perfect love was just another convenient lie.

For some unknown reason, Sirius wasn't happy enough with James or sexually satisfied, and he had gone find what he missed in someone else's bed.

James repressed a sob. He felt torn in two inside, like his chest was going to explode with each move of Sirius' cheek against it.

Sirius still acted as if there was nothing wrong, as if nothing had changed between them, but James knew better. He had learned it from Sirius' own lips. It had been so hard to hear, but it was true, all his worst fears had come true. Sirius either had had an affair, or was currently seeing someone else. James didn't know which was worse. And he wanted to see that person again, having asked for Remus' help.

The questions multiplied in his head. 'Who was it?' was the first and the most obvious one. Why and when were close seconds. The last one was definitely whether or not he would be able to forgive Sirius.

He hadn't any answer, just more questions.

He didn't know how he was going to react if Sirius told him; it was too painful to think about it.

He knew he was going to be angry, very angry with Sirius later, and if he was honest with himself, he knew he wouldn't be able to really forgive his boyfriend. He could pretend he did; he wanted to stay with Sirius now. But he was realistic enough to see that he was only heartbroken now, not yet angry and resentful. When he reached that point, life would soon become unbearable in their apartment. He didn't want to hurt Sirius, physically at least, but he knew he would have a hard time controlling himself if Sirius ever admitted to having an affair and asked for his forgiveness. And that was supposing Sirius wanted to stay with him and put a stop to that other relationship, something he didn't intend to do, from what James had heard.

He looked sadly at Sirius who was still snoring lightly on his chest, and wished he could go back in time so he could do whatever Sirius needed him to do to stay with him.

He almost cried out from the pain in his heart, like he had been stabbed several times, or put under the Cruciatus spell for long, endless hours.

How could he broach the subject with Sirius? Should he be direct and to the point, or subtler?

He was so tired. He refused to make a decision just now. He only wanted to hold Sirius in his arms through the night and pretend they were that deliriously happy couple one last time.

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Next chapter: Where a fight is not a good idea. 


	5. Chapter 5

Title: Doubts

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?

AN: thanks to all the nice people who reviewed! I'm in a hurry, so I can't reply to each of you. Some of you may have actually stumbled on the truth of what's happening with Sirius. Be patient, all will be revealed in due time D

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Chapter 5: Where a fight is a bad idea 

When he put his key in the lock, James knew for certain he didn't want to be at home that night. In fact, he pretty much wanted to be anywhere except at home, in the flat he shared with his lover and best friend, Sirius.

Only two weeks before, he had been rejoicing when thinking about that particular date. Their anniversary. January twenty-sixth. He had had everything planned to the last detail, how he would propose, how Sirius would accept, and how they would make passionate love all night to seal their engagement. Surely not even Remus and Lily would be as happy as they, or so he had thought.

Merlin, had it been only two weeks before?

It felt more like a lifetime, and since then, all hell had broken loose.

Now he was certain that Sirius cheated on him and planned to continue, as if there were nothing wrong with that.

Now he knew why Sirius had seemed distant and distracted lately, refusing to tell him why.

Now he knew. But that didn't make him feel better at all.

All the little clues had accumulated and left him with the only possible truth, where all his fears came true, where his insecurities became reality, where the happy couple was just a convenient lie.

He had spent countless hours surmising why Sirius didn't just break up with him if he were seeing someone else, and countless more trying to understand where he had failed in making Sirius happy. What was the point in keeping the two relationships going? What was the point in staying with James if Sirius didn't love him anymore? The only answer he had come up with was – to Sirius' credit – that his lover still held some consideration for his feelings and was trying to spare them. Sirius was still his best friend, sure he shared his secrets with Remus these days, rather than with James, but Sirius loved him, in his own way, even if he wasn't in love with him anymore.

This couldn't be an easy situation for Sirius either.

But nothing excused him. If he had met another man, he should have come to James, no matter how difficult it was, and explained it to him. It would have spared them many hurt feelings and the confrontation that was about to occur.

James had waited for Sirius to say something, anything, to explain, to come to him, but it had been all in vain. Although his lover was a little stranger that usual, especially with that rash that wouldn't go away, he hadn't said anything in indication of his desire to leave James.

And finally, James had had enough of the lies and deceptions; he wanted the truth to be out between them, even if it did mean that he would never hold Sirius in his arms again, or kiss him good morning tomorrow.

The matching gold bands were still in the drawer in his office, since James hadn't had the courage to return them to the shop; they were already engraved with their names, and taking them back meant defeat and surrender.

Even though he was convinced of knowing the outcome of the evening, somewhere in the depths of his heart, he still held some hope, a tiny flicker, nothing more, but it was there and it refused to go away.

James finally pushed the door open, and he was surprised to see the living room bathed in a romantic light, candles burning in soft tones all over the room, floating gently around. On the couch, Sirius was waiting for him, looking absolutely gorgeous in black slacks and a dark red shirt with the top buttons left open. A bottle of champagne waiting to be opened on the table completed the tableau.

James gasped. This was the most romantic setting he could ever have imagined for their anniversary, and only two weeks earlier, that would have been perfect. For one minute, he thought about changing his mind and not confronting Sirius about the affair until the next morning, wanting to enjoy tonight as much as he could. He loved him so much, and it tore his heart all over again to have to break up with his lover in such a dreamy setting. But he knew it would only be delaying the inevitable, and he had already waited much too long.

As he made his way over to the sofa, he saw Sirius looking up at him and smiling, before silently standing up to meet him halfway.

James remained quiet, watching, mesmerised, at the scene unfolding in front of him. Sirius took James' left hand in his own and deposited a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Happy anniversary, love," he said softly.

James felt the anger grow inside him and slowly take over his control. That was the last straw. How could Sirius stand there, looking as much in love as he had been when they had first kissed, and pretend everything was okay between them? How could he stand there and pretend he wasn't fucking cheating on James every other day? How could he?

He opened his mouth to answer Sirius' declaration, but two fingers gently pressed on his lips interrupted him.

Sirius, still holding James' left hand in his own, led him over to the couch so they could sit.

He waited a moment, apparently composing himself, and then took a deep breath before speaking.

"We have to talk. Or rather, I have to tell you something, something important," he said with a shy smile, looking unsure of himself.

Sirius paused to take a breath, but before he could continue, James let go of his hand and stood up, anger pouring out of every inch of his skin.

"No, you don't have to tell me anything. I know what's going on!" He had wanted to remain calm and even, but it was too hard.

He could not listen to Sirius' explanations. It was much too hard to sit here while his lover told him how he had found love elsewhere.

To think that Sirius had actually spent time to assemble this romantic setting together, just to tell him that it was over, was a little too much to bear.

Or maybe he had planned to throw him out a few minutes later, and the champagne was really for his other lover, scheduled to come over right after.

Somewhere in his mind, he knew Sirius would never do something as inconsiderate as that, but he wasn't exactly listening to his mind now. He was listening to his heart, his broken heart that yelled loudly in his chest, and that he had ignored for too long.

He was hurt, angry, sad, and it was finally getting out. What was Sirius trying to do? Let him down gently? What did he think? That James was going to agree to go peacefully and without a word? How naïve could he be?

Sirius was looking expectantly at James, clearly waiting for him to explain what he thought about the situation.

"How long have you known?" he dared to ask after a short pause.

"One week," James replied coldly. Even if he had had his suspicions earlier than that, it was the events of this week that had made him sure.

"Okay. And what do you think about it?" Sirius remained calm; he was looking at James with eyes full of hope. On any other day, it would have melted James' heart on the spot, but at that moment, it only fuelled the anger and disappointment he felt.

"You want to know what I think about it?"

"Yes," Sirius answered, somewhat surprised by James' reaction.

"How dare you ask me that? What did you think I was going to think about it? Did you imagine I was going to stand there and applaud, congratulate you or something?"

All his fears had been indeed right, and the tiny flicker of hope that had subsided all this time died a quick death in James and Sirius' living room.

He would never forgive Sirius for having destroyed their happiness, never, not even if his lover dropped to his knees and begged him to, which he did not seem ready to do in a near future.

"Actually, yes. I was kind of hoping you'd be congratulating me, and that we'd celebrate together afterwards. But it seems that I was wrong."

"Of course you were fucking wrong! How could you do that to me, to us?" James was barely aware of what he was saying. His emotions were too raw to analyse and rationalise.

"How could I do that? I'm sorry to tell you but that's a game that needs two players, you're not innocent in this you know. I didn't do it by myself!" Sirius' tone was starting to rise, matching James'.

"What do you mean, I'm not innocent? You're just a fucking slut! How could I ever trust you? How could I have been so blind?"

How dare Sirius blame him for his own faults! James hadn't done anything wrong! He didn't deserve any of this.

"I knew you weren't going to take this well, I told Remus, but he assured me that you were open-minded, that you would eventually be okay with it. How could I have been so naïve and believe him? If I'm a slut, you're just a fucking bastard, James!" Sirius was yelling without restraint now, pacing back and forth in front of James, muttering to himself in between sentences.

"Then Remus knows… I wonder who else you have told before me. You know what? It doesn't matter; I was a fool to think we could build something together other than stupid pranks. You can't be trusted. You never were!" It was a low blow and he knew it, but he couldn't make himself care. He had to hurt Sirius as much as he himself was hurting.

"How dare you throw that in my face?"

"How dare you destroy our relationship?"

Both men were panting, standing in front of each other – eyes locked, yells fading in an uneasy silence.

"You did that by yourself, James. I didn't want it to end. I wanted us to find a solution together. But I see it's not possible."

Sirius reached out to take James' hand again in a last effort, but James jerked away as if burned by the touch.

"Don't touch me! You're disgusting! How could you think, even for a minute, that it wouldn't mean the end of everything between us, Sirius?" James didn't understand Sirius anymore. It was like having a complete stranger in front of him.

They had both calmed down a bit, and the reality of their harsh words was dawning upon them. Their relationship was over; so was their friendship of eight years. The bond was broken, and there was nothing to salvage from the wreckage.

"I had thought that we could have talked about it."

"There is nothing to talk about, Sirius."

Sirius seemed to be holding back the tears that threatened to fall on his reddened cheeks; James, too, had misty eyes and sobs in his voice.

Sirius walked past James to the door; he grabbed his coat and spoke without turning back.

"I'm spending the rest of the week at Remus and Lily's. When I come back, you'll be gone from my apartment. I never want to see you again, James."

He opened the door. "I loved you." And he went out without looking at James again.

James sat back on the couch and finally let the tears fall. He knew he had done the right thing. He wasn't the one who was having an affair! Why had Sirius implied that their breaking up had been all his fault?

His mind and body felt numb after the anger had been drained away. He didn't want to feel anymore, he just wanted to lie there for a moment, and forget about what had just happened.

He would have time to move out the next day. He didn't even had a place to go to, since it seemed Remus had sided with Sirius, even though it was Sirius who was the one at fault.

James snuggled closer to the couch pillow and fell asleep immediately, exhausted.

He was woken up by the bright light of the noon sun shining though the living room window. He had taken the rest of the week off work, just as he had planned to do a long time ago. But originally, those few days had been meant to be spent lying in bed with his fiancé, not running through London, looking for a flat to rent.

The apartment was Sirius' and it was right that James should be the one to move out, but he had thought that their break up would have gone a little calmly, with a lot less yelling.

James groaned. He didn't want to think back to the events of the previous night, but he couldn't think about anything else, as bits of conversation replayed over and over in his mind.

Had Sirius been so surprised by the turn of events?

Had he really thought there was a way for James to accept this situation?

It sounded ridiculous. James was not very forgiving when someone betrayed his trust, and Sirius knew that, all too well – so why had he thought this time would be any different?

Could it be that this was just a big misunderstanding, and that Sirius hadn't been cheating on him?

But no, Sirius was the one who had started the conversation; he had acknowledged that he had had something important to tell James. He had sounded like a guilty convict making a confession before being brought to Askaban.

Besides, the proof was too substantial to leave any place for doubts.

There had been the distant attitude Sirius had developed in the past month. Knowing how caring and attentive his lover usually was, this was definitely the first sign that something was wrong between the two of them.

Then, there had been the lie about his spending the evening with Remus and Lily, and the lie about Regulus. James had no real evidence that the story about meeting with his brother had been a deception, but he had no proof it was true either, and given the amount of lies Sirius had told him recently, James didn't believe it to be a likely story.

After that, in the past week, Sirius had come back late too many times to count, never bothering to let James know where he was or with whom, and never explaining afterwards.

Oh sure, he always came back with a fancy story of what had happened to him, but after the first two times, James had stopped listening and trying to tell the truth from the lies. He just sat there and told Sirius that yes, he forgave him, and that no, he wasn't mad at him, wondering what Sirius would come up with the next time, because he knew there would be a next time, and a time after that, up until James confronted his lover. Well, that was done now. No more lies to listen to and pretend were okay.

His third clue had been the last full moon. Since becoming an animagus, Sirius had never missed spending a full moon with Remus, never, even when they were mad at each other for some reason or another. Helping Moony out was sacred. There were no plans that could not be changed, no exam that could not be studied for at another time (yes, they had studied for their exams sometimes, contrary to popular belief), no date that couldn't be cancelled. Nothing was more important than being with Moony during the full moon. Even in seventh year, when Sirius had been down with some kind of Muggle flu, he had managed to sneak out of the Hospital Wing and Pomfrey's watch to join his friends in the Shrieking Shack. Poor Padfoot had been totally out of it, and it had been rather funny to watch a fully-grown werewolf, usually wild and barely controllable, taking care of one of his pack, licking him better and whimpering all night at his side.

So last week, when Sirius had told James he had to go and meet Remus and Peter by himself because he felt too sick to come, it had come as quite a shock. It was true that Sirius had looked a bit under the weather, but James hadn't imagined such a little thing would keep his lover at home. Sirius had told him that he had spoken with Remus earlier and that he had apologized, and that their friend had excused him wholeheartedly, saying James and Peter were more than enough to keep him company during the night and that Lily would be there to take care of him in the morning. James hadn't argued – there was no point to it – but he had added the incident to his list of 'Strange and Out of Character Things that Sirius does these days' to think about later.

But all these elements, although convincing, had been nothing compared to what had happened the previous Monday.

Sirius had patiently explained to him that he had to go to the Prophet for the day because of some important meeting, something about the editor wanting to confer with all the journalists on what the paper was going to publish about Voldemort and the alleged Death Eaters. It seemed that he hadn't liked some of the recent articles that spoke of some people like the Malfoys as Death Eaters, since they were barely suspects, and that nothing had been proved – yet. Sirius thought that the editor had been threatened and was giving in way too easily, and he was going to make his point at the meeting. Whatever had made him sick enough to miss the full moon just a few days prior seemed to have disappeared as soon as it had come, James had noted.

That Monday, James had been having lunch with a few colleagues at the Leaky Cauldron; he hardly ever went there to have lunch, but they were celebrating a promotion, and the wizard had been adamant about going to the well-known pub.

James had been thunderstruck to notice Sirius in a corner, seated at a table with another man, smiling and laughing. He hadn't paid any attention to his colleagues, but had watched his lover and his mysterious date speaking in hushed tones, almost in each other's ears, exchanging knowing looks, and James had jumped off his chair when the guy had pressed Sirius' hand into his.

He had tried to evaluate the competition, but it was hard, as the pub was often crowded at that hour, and Sirius had chosen a very secluded corner.

What could be more incriminating than that secret meeting?

He hadn't mastered the courage to actually get up and confront his lover on the spot, preferring to wait for the more quiet and private atmosphere their home offered.

No, there was no confusion. Sirius was having an affair, and he had admitted so the previous night.

His ex-lover was right – it was time for him to get up and start packing.

* * *

Next chapter: Where another fight is a bad idea 


	6. Chapter 6

Title: Doubts

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

A/N: Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?

A great Thank You to everybody who took time to review, you guys really helped me update! And my apologies for the looooong delay ;-)

Chapter 6: Where another fight is a bad idea 

From his place on the couch, James glanced at the clock hanging above the fireplace. It was a little past nine in the morning. He still hadn't started packing. Sure, he had made the decision – he even had already transfigured some boxes to put all his belongings into – but when it had come down to actually filling them, it had been too hard. So he had sat there and he still hadn't moved since the previous morning.

It was so difficult to sort out what belonged to him and what belonged to Sirius because they had bought most of the things together. At first he had wanted to Floo-call Remus and ask his ex-lover to be reasonable and come back so they could do this together, but after a minute, he had dismissed the idea. Sirius had made it clear that he wanted nothing more to do with him, and he had to admit that it would be a little too painful to see Sirius again so soon.

The clock struck eleven. This was becoming ridiculous. The most logical answer was to declare that the furniture would go to the one that had wanted to buy it, rather than to the one who had actually spent the money, even if he could have remembered who it had been for every single item.

The furniture was easy enough to divide – they both got about half of it – but when it came to separate more personal things like books, records, and pictures, James nearly lost his nerve. Each new piece he threw into a box brought back handfuls of memories, good and bad, but mostly great memories he cherished.

He finally broke into sobs when he found one picture Moony had taken of the two of them on the grounds of Hogwarts near the Forbidden Forest. They looked so infatuated with one another in that particular shot – it had been taken the morning after their first night together. James was incapable of stopping the flow of memories from coming back to him of that first time: the hesitant touches of two horny seventeen years old boys, the first caresses, the passionate kisses, the all too quick first climax and the long cuddle together afterwards, their first shy attempt at a blow job, and of course, the first penetration. They had not been able to get enough of each other that night, they had felt alone in the universe – nothing else had mattered but the two of them and their union.

They had talked, too, about their friendship, about their newfound love, and their amazement at finally being together. Morning had come too soon, as expected, and they had reluctantly returned to the real world, as Sirius had put it, content to just hold hands in the light of the new day. That first night had been special – whose first night isn'twasn't, after all? It had been about lust, it had been about love and friendship as well, it had been about understanding and bonding, it had been about them.

After reliving that memory in excruciating detail, James could still feel the touch of Sirius' hands on his skin and the taste of his lips on his own; he tried to detach himself, and continued his triage in a non-emotional way. If he allowed himself to remember each good moment he had ever shared with Sirius, he would never finish packing before the end of the week, and he'd be an emotional wreck for his ex-lover to find and throw out. No way this way going to happen. He had left Sirius a couple of his books he knew Sirius liked much more than he did, and he had taken a couple of Sirius' shirts that he never wore and fitted James better.

It had taken him the better part of two days, but he had done it. He had finished packing.

Next came the painful question of where he was going to live.

Finding a place to live when you were a wizard was much more easy than being a Muggle, especially in London, but James was worried about finding a place he'd actually like live in.

The delay imposed didn't allow him to be too choosy, and he had liked Sirius' apartment very much. He was afraid he wouldn't find a place of his own so quickly, a place he could be comfortable in.

Going back to live with his parents was out of the question as well. They hadn't been too thrilled about his moving in with Sirius in August. Although they liked the other boy as a son and often welcomed him into their house without a second thought, they had expressed their doubts about the two boys being ready to live together so soon after leaving Hogwarts, when they were still both so young.

Well, they had been right about that at least. He had been naïve to think that his school love would be the person he would spend the rest of his life with. But, as easy as it was to admit in private that there had been some truth to the warning his parents had issued him, admitting it in front of them was quite another matter, and definitely something he wasn't ready to deal with. He would have to do it soon enough, when his parents would invite them both for lunch on Sunday, and James turned up alone. But it could wait until then.

So, all in all, James didn't have much choice in terms of apartments.

He asked some of his colleagues, because he couldn't think of anyone else to ask for help, and one of them told him that a friend of his sister's boyfriend's cousin or something had just left a perfect two-room flat three streets away. It was situated in a small street where the population was about three quarters wizards and one quarter Muggles, so it fitted James perfectly; it was much closer to the Ministry, and the distance from Sirius' apartment was far enough that there wouldn't be any chance meeting.

His worries about his not liking the apartment were soon lifted when he saw it; he liked the one he had been offered right away, and didn't hesitate to pay the three months worth of rent required as deposit. He had saved a bit of money sharing the flat that Sirius owned, and his Gringotts account was far from empty, so he didn't have to worry about the rent being a little on the expensive side for now. If it proved to be too much, he could always move and find something cheaper later.

He explained in few words and even fewer details to the owner that he had to move in by the end of the week, if possible; the wizard didn't make any problems since the flat was already vacant, so by the end of the week, as requested, he had moved everything of his into his new apartment, and he had closed the door on his relationship with Sirius.

Unpacking proved to be just as emotionally wrecking as packing had been, and James quickly detached himself again, not wanting to be submerged by the flow of feelings another time. He didn't want to have boxes lying in corners two months later simply because unpacking them was such a hurtful experience.

There, at last, it was over. James had finally unpacked and moved into his new two-room flat near the Ministry of Magic. He put the last book on the shelf that stood on the wall near the desk and sighed. The past week had been hard, much more difficult for him that he could ever had anticipated, while Sirius had been staying at Remus and receiving care and comfort for some curious reason he couldn't begin to fathom.

The first night he spent in his new place proved to him he hadn't moved on – obviously he already knew that – but it showed him how much he still needed Sirius.

He found it difficult to find sleep without his lover curled up close to him. Although they usually spent the night with each on his own side of the bed, they had taken to going to sleep cuddled up with each other, bathing in the other's presence and warmth. After drifting away, they found each other again in the morning, before waking up, to get more comfortable, Sirius' head pillowed on James' chest.

When he finally found sleep, alone in his new bed, it was uneasy, and he woke up several times during the night, automatically searching for his lover on the other side of the bed.

Now that the last box had been emptied, it was easier to recognise himself in this new apartment, and James was sure he would think of it as home in no time.

It felt weird to move into a new place without throwing in a party to celebrate, as they had done after he had moved in with Sirius, but James didn't know who he could invite anyway. He had just lost his lover as well as his best friend, even though he wasn't the one at fault, and he felt like mourning rather than celebrating. Besides, he wasn't so sure about his two other so-called best friends that he still had to hear from.

He had been quite shocked when Sirius had told him that he would go to Remus and Lily's. It had meant that he had been sure he would be welcomed there, despite what he had done to James. It had made James quite angry with Remus as well. The werewolf had adopted the rule, early in James and Sirius' relationship, that he would never interfere between them, that he would never choose a side when they fought, that no matter what, he would remain a loyal friend to both of them. But now it seemed that Remus had broken that promise and sided with Sirius. And it hurt. James thought back to that day, after a nasty quarrel with Sirius, when each of them had tried to rally Remus to his cause, their friend had made them promise they would never do that again, that they would never try to use him or make him chose between his two best friends. He couldn't wait to remind Remus of that fact.

After all, he was the one needing an attentive ear to tell about his misfortune, not that cheating bastard! Most of his anger toward Sirius had been drained in the confrontation, but there were still some remnants of it that came back now and then, like bubbles, unexpected and quick to die. They mostly reappeared when he though about how he had been betrayed and cheated upon without a second thought. The fact alone that Sirius had somehow convinced himself that they would stay together, in spite of that, was enough to make him want to break something.

He hadn't seen the 'Reparo' spell used so much since he had throw a tantrum at the tender age of eight about wanting a puppy when his parents had pointedly refused. He had methodically destroyed pretty much everything in his bedroom, and his mother had patiently repaired his furniture and toys, while explaining that he was too young to take care of a dog, and that they didn't want to be stuck with it when he would go to Hogwarts only three years later. James had been quite upset, although impressed that for once he couldn't make his parents change their minds, but he recalled fondly the night, two weeks later, when they had offered him his owl, Iago, saying he was a useful pet, and that he would be able to bring him to school with him. He still had the same owl, on a perch near the window, and he delivered the letters with the same efficiency that had been making James proud for ten years, not having reached his retiring age yet.

Still thinking about his friends, James tried to recall the last time he had seen Peter. It had been the night of the full moon; Peter had arrived only just in time so they hadn't really had any time to chat before they had needed to transform.

At dawn, Peter had left quickly, saying he was needed somewhere else, not making time to wait with James for Lily to arrive and tend to Moony, as she had always been doing since they had told her the truth at the end of their seventh year. Remus had wanted her to date him knowing what he was, so that she could either accept him or reject him early enough for their feelings to be spared.

Lily hadn't disappointed him; she had kissed him and held him in her arms, shedding tears at the thought of what he had to endure monthly. And she had been present to help Remus in her own way every full moon ever since.

James had wondered about Peter at that time, but he had been more concerned about what had kept his lover at home, and had dismissed the thought quickly. Now that he tried to remember, James realised that he hadn't seen Peter other than in his animagus form for quite some time now. Each time they had invited him over for dinner or had asked him to go somewhere with them, he had always answered that he was otherwise engaged and couldn't change whatever his plans were. He hadn't spent time with Peter since November, when he had come to Sirius' eighteenth birthday party. This was weird, especially considering that Peter had never been a very social guy. Back at Hogwarts, he had only hung out with the three of them, and he hadn't had a girlfriend before seventh year (and the three of them had arranged the first date for him).

So James found it hard to believe little Peter had more friends that he himself did.

Well, it wasn't so difficult for the time being, as it seemed that he himself had none. Combining lover and best friend in one had meant spending every single minute of his free time with Sirius, and he had never taken the time or the pain to make any real friends amongst his work colleagues. Sure, he liked them all right, but there wasn't any real bond there, and he hadn't spent quality time with any of them, other than for a drink or a meal from time to time.

He would need to change that soon, or he could plan long and lonely evenings for the next months. Well, providing that he actually found the urge to go out in the months to come anyway.

Finishing unpacking had made James hungry, so he was about to make himself dinner when he heard a tap-tap noise at the window. When he went to look, he found Remus' owl, Achilles, waiting for him; he took the parchment attached to its leg and unfolded it. The owl was clearly waiting for a reply, making impatient hooting noises at James.

The message read:

_James, we need to talk. Send me your new address so that I can come over. Is tonight okay?_

It was simple and to the point. It had always amazed him that Remus was able to write a two-foot long essay on any pointless goblin war when asked to in Binns' class (an achievement not equalled to this day), and that he was equally able to write a ten-word letter, keeping it to the essential, when needed.

He went to his desk, retrieved a blank page of parchment, and quickly wrote down his address along with directions to the flat, should Remus decide to come by Muggle transportation. He pointed out that his fireplace wasn't connected to the Floo network yet because he hadn't had the time to fill in a proper application, something he planned to correct this week, as soon as possible.

He folded the message and gave it to the impatient owl that flew away immediately.

James wondered why Remus hadn't asked him to come to his place, or to Floo-call him there; it would have been much simpler. Maybe Sirius was still there and he wanted to avoid a second confrontation, seeing how the first one had turned out. But Sirius should have gone back to the flat days ago – it didn't make any sense. Surely he knew that James had completed his moving out by now; Remus' message had made that clear, if he had ever harboured any doubt.

He was pondering this and the reasons for Remus' urgent tone when he heard someone knocking at the door.

When he opened, he was surprised to see his werewolf friend in front of him – an angry-looking werewolf, judging from the frown on his face.

What could be so urgent that Remus had hurried to his apartment as soon as he had got his reply? A scary thought crossed his mind. Had anything happened to Sirius? Sure, they weren't lovers anymore, they weren't even friends anymore – and they probably would never be again – but he didn't want anything to happen to the other man. Even if he never saw him again, it didn't mean that he didn't care about him anymore, in some way or another.

Silently, he let Remus in, motioning for him to sit on his newly acquired couch.

"So. You came here to enquire about me at last, Remus?" James started, unable to keep the bitterness he felt out of his tone.

"I see you are quite well, James," Remus replied in an icy voice, not sitting but standing in front of James in the middle of the room.

James hated that voice. He had always pitied the one it was addressed to, with reason. But he couldn't understand what he had done to deserve it today.

"You don't seem too concerned about my well-being. I though we were friends!"

"We were. But as much as I wanted to stay out of your problems with Sirius, it was a little hard to ignore your attitude this time!" The anger was blazing in those amber eyes, and reminded James how much of Moony was really in Remus, even when the moon wasn't full.

"But you can ignore what Sirius did to me." James wasn't sure himself if it was more of a statement or a question.

"That's not the point here. How could you do that to him, James? I thought you were a tolerant kind of guy! How could you treat him that low?"

"How could I? What kind of sick joke is that? How could he do that to me? How could he destroy our relationship?" The anger that had faded away in the past week flared up at the mention of Sirius' betrayal.

"I can't believe you're reacting like this, even after what Sirius had told me. I kept thinking that this was just a huge misunderstanding, that you'd come to your senses eventually, that you were just a bit shaken by the news, but it's all true, you're a jerk!"

"So now I'm the one at fault?"

"Of course you are. Do you want to know what happened to Sirius this past week?" He went on without waiting for James' answer, "He showed up at our door in tears, refusing to say anything, no matter how many times I asked what was wrong. We had to wait two days to learn what had happened. When I suggested I try to find you, at work or at the apartment, he became hysterical. I had never seen him like that. We were actually frightened! After two days of crying, curled up on our couch, he finally told us the whole story and I couldn't believe my ears. I would never have imagined you could react like that. Not in a million years. It took him the whole week to compose himself so he could go back to the flat. During all that time I told him that maybe you had overreacted and that you were waiting for him, regretting your harsh words. I don't know if he believed me or not, but it only took him three hours to show up on my doorstep again, James! Three frigging hours! He explained you had done as he had asked and left, before going back straight to the couch!"

Remus took the time to breathe between two fits of anger.

"I thought you loved him, James!"

"Are you done?" James asked in a placid tone. So what if Sirius was greatly affected by their breaking up? It didn't mean anything, it was his own fault! Remus had no right to come here and tell him he was responsible! Of course he had gasped a little at hearing that Sirius had cried all week over him, but his concern had quickly been drowned in his hurt and anger.

"Yes, I am."

"Why did you come here tonight? To insult me?"

"No. I wanted to hear it form your mouth. I guess I still thought Sirius had exaggerated. But I was wrong. I don't understand."

"I loved him, he betrayed me. It's over! I don't see what's difficult to understand in that!"

"He betrayed you?"

"Yes, he betrayed me, and he lied to me, about something important, for over three weeks! How could I ever trust him again after that?"

"You're a fool, James. What you had with Sirius was precious. You shouldn't have quit like that."

"He's the one who did that. Why don't I deserve some consideration?"

"Think about it, you'll figure it out. Eventually," Remus said as he walked to the door. He opened it and went away without another word.

"Bollocks!" James yelled after him.

He stared at the closed door for a while, not sure as to what had just happened.

Why on Earth did everyone make him the one responsible for their break-up?

Why was Sirius so touched by this? He was the one that had started everything, wasn't he? Or was it just a ploy to see how James coped without him?

Well, he did fairly well, better than that even. He did not need Sirius to survive!

With a resolute nod, James went to the kitchen to see about finally getting some dinner in peace, in his new home.

* * *

Next chapter: Where the simplest ideas are the best 


	7. Chapter 7

Title: Doubts

Author: Egwene

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

A/N: Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?

* * *

Chapter 7: Where the simplest ideas are the best 

It was already one month and a half since they had broken up.

It was only one month and a half since they had broken up.

The memories of the fight were still raw in James' mind. The hurt from Sirius' betrayal still clung to his heart, especially at night, when he went to bed alone.

He missed Sirius so much one could have thought they had been separated for a year instead of month, but at the same time, he could still feel his ex-lover's presence around him when he got depressed and thought too much about him.

James didn't regret his decision to confront Sirius, and therefore end a relationship that obviously had no future, since the two parties involved couldn't be honest with each other.

But he regretted that they hadn't found a way to make it work; he couldn't deny that the year he had spent with Sirius had been the best in his life, and that he was miserable without him.

He hadn't tried dating other people; sure, he had had propositions – lots of them, in fact – but he hadn't had the heart to take up on any of them yet. He explained each time that he preferred to heal alone, as silly as it might have seemed, that he'd be back in the dating game in no time, and that when it would be the case, he'd call them on their offer. But he never did. Getting over Sirius was too hard. He couldn't refrain himself from comparing each and everyone of those eligible dates to him, obviously none of them could measure up to the high standards that Sirius had set.

Valentine's Day came and went, another day spent alone.

James even tried to socialise with his work colleagues, but it never went further than a dinner on the occasion.

Each day looked like the one before, James keeping himself busy between his work at the Ministry and the work he still did for the Order.

Since they weren't a very organised group, the risk of running into one of his previous friends during an Order assignment was minimal. He saw Remus once or twice during meetings with Dumbledore, but they just ignored each other politely, and that was the end of it.

Suddenly, on a very ordinary day in March, James' life was shattered again.

He was working at his desk, silently bitching about the mountain of paperwork that had accumulated over the weekend, when one of his co-workers, Daniel, came in to ask for advice. The question asked and answered, the other wizard was making his way out when he seemed to remember something.

"Oh! I forgot. Did you read the Prophet this morning?"

"No. I don't read that piece of shit anymore. Why?" James didn't elaborate that he couldn't stand reading the paper his ex-lover was writing for, mainly because reading the name 'Sirius Black' at the end of an article reminded him every time of how much he missed the man.

"Well, they said that that guy Regulus Black had been found dead yesterday." He added in a hushed tone, "They used the Killing Curse on him. He was wearing the Dark Mark on his arm. I think you went to school with his brother, Sirius Black, isn't it?"

James was thunderstruck; Regulus had been a Death Eater.

Regulus was dead. He never made it out of Hogwarts. He focused his vision and noticed Daniel watching him expectantly from the doorframe.

He had to give him some kind of answer. "Yeah. We were at Hogwarts together."

He had never hidden the fact that he was bisexual, to anybody, but he hadn't advertised his relationship with Sirius either. Their close friends had known the truth and that had been enough.

"Did you know his younger brother too?"

Damn the guy was persistent. Well, the Blacks were a well-known, influential family, much more so than the Potters, so gossip over Regulus' death was to be expected, especially by the people who didn't know the first thing about him on a personal level.

"No. Sirius isn't close to any member of his family." Well, except perhaps his cousin Andromeda and her husband, but the guy didn't need to know that.

"Yeah?" Daniel was obviously expecting more interesting details.

Couldn't the guy take a hint?

"Absolutely. They're all a bunch of pure-blood fanatics anyway. Talking to them is a waste of time."

There, he had given the other wizard enough material for at least a week's worth of gossip and speculations.

Daniel proved he could take a hint indeed – given the time – and quickly escaped James' office after waving him goodbye.

James tried his hardest to go back to work, but his mind refused to cooperate.

Regulus was dead.

Sirius had told the truth about his being a Death Eater.

He had told him the truth, and James had later dismissed it because of the distrustful mood that had settled between them.

Merlin, what else had he been wrong about?

Could it be possible that Sirius hadn't been cheating on him?

But why would he have admitted so if it wasn't the case?

The dull throbbing pain in his temples soon became a full blown migraine from the endless possibilities that this revelation made him envision.

He decided he wouldn't do any more productive work that day, so it was better to take the rest of the day off and go back home.

He took the underground instead of Apparating on his doorstep, not wanting to get splinched in two because he was too distracted.

When he arrived in his small flat, he went straight to bed, the simple idea of food making him nauseous. He took his clothes off and fell on the bed, the blinds drawn to give him the quietness and the shadow that alone could appease his headache.

He had thought that sleep would actually be difficult to find – as it always was these days – but he fell into a deep but troubled slumber almost immediately, even though it was only one in the afternoon.

His dreams were filled with Sirius, a gentle loving Sirius who was asking James why he had abandoned him, an angry looking Sirius who was yelling at him for the hurtful words he had attacked him with during their fight, a fragile Sirius who was asking him to love him again despite what he had done...

So many faces, so many possible scenarios, but none of them was true. Sirius never wanted to see him again; he had told him so, and up until now he had kept his promise.

Three hours later, James woke up drenched in cold sweat, not rested, but with the headache gone.

He sat on the edge of the bed, the room still dark, and put his head in his hands.

The fact that Sirius hadn't lied about everything didn't mean that he hadn't cheated on him. The man had told him it was true!

He had see Sirius and his other lover with his own eyes!

James had made the right choice!

So, why did it hurt so much? Why did he feel so bad about it still?

He lay back on the bed and went back to sleep, trying to avoid the issue and the consequences of the earlier revelation.

The next morning he felt refreshed, and with a better disposition with which to affront the world. He got up, his stomach growling to remind him that he hadn't eaten anything since yesterday's breakfast, and decided to go out to have a copious meal.

He chose a nice and cosy place that he used to go to with Sirius, where they served the most delicious French pastries. On his way, he managed to find a copy of the previous issue of the Prophet, to read the article on Regulus' dearth by himself.

Five minutes later, he arrived at 'Le Croissant au Beurre' and took a seat in the back of the room, where he knew he wouldn't be disturbed by the other – sometimes noisy – customers.

He didn't have to look far for the article, it was right under his nose, the whole first page was dedicated to it. He vaguely remembered something about Sirius telling him that the editor had been threatened by influential Death Eaters like the Malfoys so he wouldn't print anything about them. He couldn't suppress a grin and a proud feeling in thinking that Sirius had probably bullied the man into changing his policy after that meeting, if they had dared to publish something about the Heir of the Black Family being a Death Eater.

He read the article thoroughly, filling in the blanks from what he knew about Regulus Black and Voldemort. The boy had been killed by the Dark Lord in person it seemed, because he hadn't complied with an order. So he hadn't been all bad. That was a somewhat comforting thought. Too bad that Sirius hadn't been able to convince him this was an error before it was too late.

Sirius. James realised with a start that he didn't have the faintest clue on how his ex-lover was taking his brother's death. It must have hit him pretty hard, especially since, from what Sirius had said, he had tried to prevent such an ending after foreseeing it. Was Sirius feeling guilty? Was he hurt? Had he tried to prevent his brother's death?

He scanned the rest of the paper, but there was no information whatsoever on the shortcomings of the other Black child. Sirius was mentioned somewhere; the author of the article explained that he was the new heir to the Black fortune now that his younger brother was dead, even if his parents had disowned him a few years prior. The journalist, who seemed to be a fan of the aristocratic grapevine, also explained that Sirius' mother wasn't at all pleased by the result, and was currently hiring a bunch of lawyers to prove that Lucius Malfoy, or rather his newly born son Draco Malfoy, was the true heir to the Black fortune. He also said that Sirius hadn't commented on the facts yet, as he had made himself scarce these last days.

James could totally relate to that. Although Sirius had been one of Hogwarts most popular students - and he never went anywhere without being noticed – he hated publicity, even more when it was based on his association to the Black family.

He had an urge to go and see if Sirius was okay - this whole business had to be hard on him – but he realised his presence would most likely be unwelcome.

It was almost funny how much, even after the anger, the betrayal, the hurt, he still wanted to comfort Sirius through this ordeal.

But all he could do was hope he was okay, and go on with his life.

No matter how much James wanted to, this new development didn't change the basic facts, and the reason for their break up with still valid – or was it?

After all, Sirius hadn't run to his other lover, he had run to Remus, and according to the werewolf, he had stayed there the whole week after James' departure. Through his angry state, it hadn't struck him as odd, but now it did, and very much so. If he had been in love with someone else and Sirius had broken up with him, he surely would have run towards that other person for love and comfort. Why then had Sirius taken residence on his friend's couch?

For the twentieth time since the previous evening, James wondered if he had missed something when he had drawn his conclusions on Sirius' affair. It didn't seem possible; every clue had clicked with the next in a perfect puzzle set. What other explanation could there have been? Plus, Sirius had fucking admitted to having an affair! There was no way James had been wrong.

It was just his broken heart speaking.

He finished drinking his third cup of coffee, paid the check, and headed for work, pushing all thought of Sirius aside.

Four days later, James was quietly sipping tea in his living room, a good book in hands, when he heard someone knocking at the door.

He shut his book and laid it aside, before getting his wand ready and going to open the door.

He could count the number of people who had his address on the fingers of one hand, and he didn't see why any of them would pay him a visit at this late hour. He preferred to be cautious. The Death Eaters attacks had multiplied since Regulus' death had been discovered, as if they felt they were entitled to work more in the open now.

Although logic dictated that Death Eaters would not be knocking at his door, but forcing their way through it, one could never be too wary. He preferred to look stupid than dead.

Slowly, he opened the door, prepared to see one of his neighbours asking him for sugar or some milk, or even one of his work colleagues whom he liked and enjoyed sharing a meal with. But what he wasn't ready to see was a bedraggled Remus, pleading him with wide eyes to let him enter.

He made a quick calculation; the full moon had only been two days ago, Remus had to be very tired still, so whatever had led him to James' apartment had to be quite important.

He let the werewolf in without a word, and closed the door behind him.

They both sat down on the couch, Remus clearly relieved at not having to stand through the conversation. James waited for him to speak first.

"James, I realise we didn't part in good terms the last time I saw you," he started.

"You could say that."

"Yes. Well, I was quite annoyed with you at that time. I don't even remember what I said. I didn't think most of it."

"So you did think part of it?" James replied, not quite satisfied with the apology, even if he was grateful for it.

"Well… you deserved some of it…" Remus answered, looking confused, worried, and completely exhausted.

"Are you here for a repeat performance?" James asked, not sure he knew where this was leading, but certain he didn't want to fight again with Remus. If anything, he wanted his friend back, but he found it hard to accept the mild excuse Remus was offering him.

"No, I want your help," Remus said with an honest face.

"Okay, that's direct. What do you want me to help you with?" James asked, before adding, "And why should I help you with whatever your problem is?" The bitterness was still very much present in his tone.

"It's about Sirius."

"What happened?" James asked, quite concerned suddenly.

"I don't know," Remus answered. And James realised how much the last full moon surely had taken on him if he only kept to three-words sentences.

"What do you mean? Come on, Remus, give me a little more information here," James pleaded. Sirius was dead. This was his fault somehow. No, Sirius wasn't dead, Remus had asked for his help, surely he wouldn't need any help if the man were dead. What if he needed the money for a decent burial? He knew Remus didn't make much money, and with the wedding approaching… His thoughts were interrupted when Remus started talking again.

"I need to know how to get past the wards of the flat."

"Why? What does it have to do with Sirius?"

"I haven't had any news since Regulus' death. You do know that Sirius' brother is dead, right?" On James' affirmative nod, he went on. "Usually, he gives me news every two or three days, you know, so that I know he's okay, but I haven't talked to him for five days now and I'm getting worried."

"Have you tried the Floo network?"

"His fireplace has been disconnected since last month, he said it was too dangerous, and he wasn't using it as much as before."

"Can't you Apparate inside the flat?"

"No. The wards prevent that. That's the first thing I tried, what do you think?" Remus replied in an annoyed tone.

"Owl post?"

"Achilles comes back with the message, like he couldn't find the one it was addressed to."

"Has Lily tried too?"

"Yes. She didn't have more success though."

"But, the full moon was two days ago, wasn't he with you? I mean, I know how important it is for Sirius. Padfoot is always there when Moony needs him."

"Hum. No. Sirius isn't transforming into his Animagus form right now. It could be dangerous. I'm really worried, James. You know this shit with his brother had to have affected him!" Remus really looked desperate.

James briefly wondered why Remus would think that the Animagus transformation could suddenly be dangerous for Sirius. The process in itself was quite harmless once you had succeeded in casting the spell, and Moony had never hurt any of them more than the occasional scratch during a wild run through the woods. He would ask Remus later what he had meant, but there were more urgent matters at hand right now.

He ran his hand through his hair, like he always did when he was thinking hard on resolving a problem (although the problem had more often had to do with pranks and Slytherins while he was at school).

"You're right. Do you have a copy of the key?" he asked after a while.

"What key?"

"The one that opens the main door."

"There's a key?" Remus couldn't have looked more surprised. "No. As far as I knew, he always looked it with a simple 'alohomora' charm." He looked perplexed.

"Usually, yes. But when the wards are in place, you need the key to get them down. He was to one to imagine that, he said that no Death Eater would think of that."

Before Remus could answer, James stood up, walked to the desk and started ruffling through different drawers.

"I think I've still got mine. I… I couldn't sent it back to him after I moved out."

He continued to look for the precious item in silence, hoping that Remus would understand and not question him any further on why he had kept that key. Owling back the key to the flat had seemed so final; James hadn't been able to keep his resolve to do it when he had moved out. After a while, when he had thought about it again, it had been three weeks later, and he hadn't seen the point in returning it. Either Sirius did mind that he still had a key and he had had the locks changed – so there wasn't any point in returning a useless key – or Sirius didn't mind – and then, no reason to return it either.

Whether or not Remus understood the dilemma that had torn James, he stayed silent, waiting for James to finish emptying the drawers of the little desk.

After a few minutes, James held a small silver key in the air.

"I've got it!"

"Okay. Thanks. I'll try that."

"No way. I'm coming with you," James countered, stopping Remus' hand from grabbing the key. "First, this is silver, and I don't want to see you hurt, and second, I know these wards much better than you do, it'll be faster if I come with you."

Remus looked much too exhausted to argue; he nodded.

James grabbed his coat and they Apparated in front of Sirius' flat.

Being there again, after almost two months, was a lot to bear, and James started to feel a little light-headed. Remus put a comforting hand on his arm.

"Listen, you don't have to come in. Just help me to open the door."

Again, James nodded without a word.

He started to work on the wards that Sirius had set. They weren't exactly the same they had devised together all those months ago, but close enough so that he progressed quickly.

Finally he was able to open the door.

When he looked inside, nothing would have prepared him to the sight of a pale, unconscious, very pregnant Sirius sprawled on the floor in front of the coffee table.

* * *

Next chapter: Where good ideas are discussed


	8. Chapter 8

Title: Doubts

Author: Egwene

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of his relatives, friends, lovers, professors, enemies… pets, sex toys, sexy looking godfathers or gorgeous werewolves of his acquaintance D

Summary: AU – James and Sirius are a couple and living together after Hogwarts, but when James plans a romantic dinner with his boyfriend, not everything goes according to plan… Is Sirius hiding something from his lover?

A/N: Thanks to Sophocles for the incredible beta. What would I do without you?

This chapter is dedicated to Axis who waited a whole MONTH for it ;-)

* * *

Chapter 8: Where good ideas are discussed 

James had been pacing down the hall for the better part of an hour when Remus lost his patience and stopped him.

"Sit down, James. You're making me nervous."

James sat down next to his friend, placing his head in his hands with a heavy sigh.

He had not spoken a word during the last hour, despite all the times he had opened his mouth to speak.

Remus and James had brought Sirius to Saint Mungo's in a hurry; the man had not awakened during the joint Apparition, and that particular fact had worried James a great deal.

They had gone directly to the part of the gynaecology wing where the pregnant women were treated. He had been taken to a room, and they hadn't seen him since.

In contrast to his outward silence, James' mind was reeling.

Pregnant. Sirius was pregnant. How long? Who? When? What? Why?

So many questions were crushing his mind, he couldn't think straight.

From the look of it, Sirius was at least four or five months pregnant. James didn't know much about pregnancy, and with good reason. He had never thought he would be concerned first hand, but he knew the signs didn't show until about the fourth month, usually. At least, that had been the case with Molly Weasley's first kids.

He and Sirius had broken up less than a couple months ago, so it had to mean the kid was his, didn't it?

He was going to have a child with Sirius! How did that happen? Only witches could have children, not wizards, right? Sure, with Sirius he had an... unconventional sexual relationship, but wizards were not built to have children. Damn. That was so confusing.

But they had broken up because Sirius had been unfaithful and was seeing someone else. Could the child be Sirius and his other lover's, and not James'?

To his great surprise, that thought was hurting James even more than the fact that Sirius had betrayed him. He wanted that child to be his. He wanted to share that experience with Sirius.

What would happen now? Should they get back together?

They would soon form a new family, wouldn't they?

Surely that meant they had to raise their child together. Sirius couldn't do that alone.

But James had to face the hard reality that Sirius had known he was pregnant and that he hadn't tried to contact him during the past month, he hadn't tried to get James to talk to him.

Would James have listened to him?

Thinking, there, on that bench, waiting for news from Sirius, James was sure that he would have listened to his ex-lover explaining about their child.

Maybe Sirius not having spoken to him about it only meant that it wasn't his child. Merlin, had Sirius been cheating on him for all this time? Had James been blind to it all? He had to have some answers to those questions!

How could he sit here, waiting and wondering? He was going to go mad with the uncertainty.

Suddenly, the answer seemed so simple to him, he should have thought about it earlier. Remus.

His friend hadn't seemed surprised by Sirius' state when they had burst into the flat. He hadn't said anything, but he had tacitly confirmed the pregnancy when he had directed James to the gynaecology wing so that Sirius could receive the appropriate treatment.

Remus had known all that time! That was probably why he had been so concerned by Sirius' health and the fact that he hadn't had any news in several days.

Remus had remained Sirius' friend, offering him support when he had needed it.

James turned his head toward the werewolf.

"How long has he been pregnant?"

Remus looked at James curiously.

"Shouldn't you be discussing this with Sirius instead?"

"He isn't there at the moment, and I need some answers, Moony. Please?"

"How come you don't know? I thought that you two had talked about that when you broke up."

"No. I wasn't even aware that he was pregnant," James answered, troubled by the awkward turn the conversation was taking.

He was going to press further when an odd thought hit him.

"Moony, why isn't Sirius' lover with him? I... I thought they would start living together when I left the flat. Why haven't you contacted him yet?"

"What lover?" asked a stricken Remus.

"The person Sirius was seeing when we broke up," James said with an impatient tone in his voice.

"There is no one. Sirius didn't want to hear about dating again. He said he was fine alone."

James gasped. "What?"

"There isn't anyone else; there has never been anyone else but you, James."

"But..." What was Remus saying? Sirius had admitted he had cheated on James!

"Why would you think that?" Remus seemed genuinely interested, puzzled even.

"That's the reason we broke up!" James erupted. "He was seeing someone else and he wasn't in love with me anymore. I even saw him with that person; they were holding hands at the Leacky Cauldron."

Remus was frowning. "But Sirius told me you had dumped him because of the baby, because you didn't want to have a child with him."

"I didn't know about the child!" James nearly shouted.

"Why would..." Remus never finished the sentence; he was silenced by the arrival of the mediwizard.

"Mr. Lupin? Mr. Potter?" he asked in a quiet, soothing tone.

"That's us," they answered together, standing up and looking expectantly at the man in front of them. He was a rather good-looking wizard, in his early thirties perhaps, quite young to be an experienced mediwizard, James reasoned. His long auburn hair was kept in a neat ponytail at the base of his neck and stood out on his white robe.

James looked at him with shrewd eyes; he was sure he had seen the man before, but for all his efforts, he couldn't remember where or when. Damn. That was annoying.

"I'd like to talk to you about Mr. Black. Please come to my office," he asked politely.

They followed him through several corridors to a small room, where files were piled on the floor, as well as on the table, the chairs, and the couch, so that the room seemed really crowded.

The young mediwizard emptied two chairs for them, before indicating they should sit down. After letting himself fall on the big comfortable leather chair behind his desk, he took out his wand.

"Coffee?" He conjured three steaming cups with a switch of his wand and floated two of them towards the two silent young men. They took them gratefully, waiting for his explanations nervously.

"As you are well aware, Mr. Black is about three months pregnant. May I enquire who the other father of the child is?"

James squirmed in his chair, refusing to look up. Remus answered for him.

"He is," he said, pointing to his friend.

James kept silent under the mediwizard's stare.

"Did you and Sirius have some sort of fight?" he asked in a gentle tone.

"That's not of your concern!" James answered angrily.

He was still unsettled by his previous discussion with Remus.

What had really happened with his lover? Could there have been a misunderstanding between him and Sirius? Had he been wrong about thinking he was cheating on him?

He had to talk to Sirius as soon as possible.

"I really don't care about your love life, Mr. Potter. But I do care about Mr. Black's state of mind," he added quickly when he saw James frown. "Let me explain to you. Male pregnancies are exceptionally rare. Not all wizards are able to conceive a child; it takes a great deal of magic and will." He raised his hand to prevent James from interrupting him. "I do not say that Sirius wanted consciously to have a child with you, but it must have been a deep desire, an unconscious desire, for him – for both of you, actually."

"We never even discussed it!"

"You didn't need to. The idea was already there. Think of it as wandless magic. Anyway, male pregnancies are rare and dangerous. The reason is that the body of a wizard isn't adapted to carry a child as a witch's body is – as you well know. Therefore, his body has to make long-term changes to adapt to the new person developing inside it. I will spare you tedious details, and I'll just tell you that it requires an enormous amount of energy. Sirius needs the support of his family and friends to go through this."

"What do you mean?"

"Let me put it clearly for you. He could very well die from this pregnancy. There were already quite a number of rough spots during the last months. At first we thought he would lose the baby, which would have put his life at great risk, but we managed to stabilize his state."

"What do you mean by we?" James asked suspiciously.

"I've been Mr. Black's mediwizard since he was diagnosed two months ago. I've been seeing him once a week since then. I was actually quite worried when he missed this week's appointment."

James was dumbfounded. This surpassed by far anything he could have imagined. How hard had these three months been on Sirius?

How had their separation affected him and his pregnancy?

"But what happened to him to render him unconscious? Why did we find him like that? Is he going to be okay? Is the baby okay?" James asked in a rush. He was absolutely not prepared for this. But Sirius hadn't been either, he remembered, Sirius hadn't had a choice.

The mediwizard smiled. "Sirius has a mild fever, he hasn't been drinking enough lately, so he was a bit dehydrated. That's why he fainted. Don't worry, he is going to be fine, and your child is okay too. There won't be any lasting damage." He addressed both of them. "Be assured, Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin,

Mr. Black should awaken shortly."

"When can we see him?" Remus reminded James that he was still there, and that he cared too.

"A nurse will lead you to his room as soon as we are finished."

"How long does he have to stay here?" Trust Remus to ask the important questions.

"It will depend on how he feels. No more than two or three days, I should hope. But when he comes home, he's going to need a great deal of care and attention. He is probably going to be weak; he should not overdo it for the next weeks at least."

"We will take care of him, don't worry," James said resolutely.

"I hope you take your future parenthood seriously, Mr. Potter." The gentle smile was gone, replaced by serious concern.

"Absolutely."

"It's not my place to comment on your relationship with Mr. Black, but for his sake, I hope you'll find a way to resolve any issues you may have at the moment." He paused for a second, before adding, "You may go now."

"Thank you, Healer (no doctors in the magical world!), for everything you have done for him."

James and Remus left the office, following the nurse through a long bright corridor. She stopped in front of an unmarked door, turning to face them.

"There you are gentlemen. Mr. Black is resting now, try not to disturb him."

"Yes, ma'am," they replied in unison before entering the room.

It was obvious to the two men that they were in a department that specialized in pregnant witches; if the newborn babies they had seen in the hall hadn't been a clue, the way the room was decorated was a dead give-away.

Sirius was lying on back, asleep. His face had more colour than it did a few hours before; overall, he looked much better than he did when his friends had found him.

James let out a breath he didn't know he was holding at this sight.

They both entered the room, silently moving towards two chairs on each side of the bed.

Remus chuckled.

"He is going to be pissed when he sees that setting."

James smiled. Yes, Sirius had always hated anything too fluffy or too feminine.

He looked around. The walls were painted in a soft pinkish tint, with a nice drawing of animals at the top, bears, lions, hippopotamus, all smiling and dancing together. The rest of the room wasn't any better. The chairs and the bedside table were equally pink, with floral designs, and there was a nice teddy bear at the foot of the bed.

From the bed, they could see that the back of the door was covered with pictures - baby pictures - complete with dates and names. The kids were all smiling, giggling happily from their parents' arms. The previous occupants of the room, James surmised, as he sat back in the chair.

Sure, Sirius was going to yell when he'd wake up, but that wasn't what worried James the most.

His lover was all right, their baby was all right.

They had some explaining to do.

Remus had confirmed the baby was his, so he couldn't doubt that anymore. Remus was Sirius' best friend these days, he knew much more about this pregnancy than James did. That hurt.

He wanted to understand why the werewolf thought he had known about the child; no matter how he turned it in his head, it didn't make any sense. He was so confused.

He wanted desperately for Sirius to wake up soon, so they could clear things up. Plus, as much as he trusted the mediwizard, he wanted to hear from Sirius' mouth that he was really okay.

As if he had heard James' silent plea, the young man started to shuffle in the bed, slowly waking up. He opened his eyes, looking at each of them, then at the décor questioningly.

Remus took one of his hands in a comforting gesture.

"You're in Saint Mungo's, Sirius. James and I found you unconscious in your flat earlier today."

Sirius was looking at Remus, clearly afraid, waiting for more answers.

"We talked with your mediwizard a little while ago. He said everything was fine with the baby and you should be able to go home in a few days. " He never stopped caressing Sirius' hand in a soothing manner, reminding James of how they used to take care of Remus after the full moon at Hogwarts. He had always hated waking up alone in the Hospital Wing, and when he had admitted as much, they had taken turns staying with him so that he would wake up to a familiar face.

"I'll leave you two alone now," Remus said to Sirius, looking at him and James. "You have much to discuss, I think."

The point couldn't have been clearer for James. Remus' look was locked on him as he headed for the door. It said, 'Don't fuck with him a second time or you'll have to answer to me'.

Remus and Sirius had always been very protective of each other, in ways that eluded him. He had often wondered about it, thinking it had something to do with their 'outcast' status. They had to stick together because society had set them apart. Or it could be a canine thing.

James and Sirius had been best friends from the moment they had entered Hogwarts, but he had always been jealous of the special bond his lover seemed to share with Remus.

When the door closed, Sirius' eyes turned to him.

"James?"

"Sirius." He didn't know which subject he should address first: the baby, their break up, or the misunderstanding between them.

"I'm glad you're okay. The mediwizard was very reassuring when he spoke to us." Being a coward wasn't really an option here, but James had no clue how he could ask the more crucial questions.

"Why are you here?" Sirius was usually direct to the point. James had never been sure whether it was a quality or a flaw.

He answered quickly. "Remus was so worried about you because you hadn't spoken to him in a few days, and he had no way to contact you. He asked for my help to penetrate the wards." He didn't know how to explain this properly. Suddenly he wished Remus wouldn't have left.

"I still had the key to unlock the wards of your flat, but it's silver and he looked worn out by the full moon." James stopped as the realisation drowned on him. That was the reason he couldn't transform into Padfoot anymore, because of the baby! Smiling at the idea he had finally solved one mystery, he went on. "So I decided it would be better if I went with him. I didn't have any trouble unlocking the wards. That's how we found you unconscious, lying on the floor, besides the couch."

Sirius was looking at him intently, making him realise just how much he had missed the other man, and how much he wanted him back in his life.

"Why are you here?" Sirius asked again, making it clear that James hadn't answered the important question.

"I was so surprised to see you were pregnant. I had to make sure you were okay. I had to ask about the baby." James' face erupted in a large smile. "We're having a baby, Sirius! This is great!"

This was the first time that day he had let his joy appear through all the worry and the uncertainty. This was the first time he allowed himself to believe he and Sirius were going to be parents soon, and to rejoice about it.

Sirius, however, didn't seem to share his outburst of happiness. He frowned.

"I am having a baby, James," he said in a cold detached voice. "This child isn't yours."

* * *

Next chapter: Where bad ideas are dismissed 


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